There’s an old business adage that is pretty archaic and demands a lot of superfluous bloodshed. It is this: “First come, first severed”. Now, this doesn’t really make much sense, when you think about it. Why would anyone line up to be severed? Are they, like, depressed or something? Or do they think they’re there to get a severance package? It’s a most perplexing mystery.

What we’re getting at here is, surely, if you’re a business, you’d want to promote a “first come, last severed” strategy. Right? The other method is only going to put people off. Consumers, generally, don’t like being severed in the course of purchasing a product. It’s painful, fatal (in some instances), and a bit stupid if another store is selling, for example, the type of toilet roll you’re after without the need to die doing so. Let us sever our longstanding need to use this saying. Starting… now!

First come, first severed

Here’s a brief history of severing: it began when it was realised people who enjoy remaining attached to things, don’t like it when they’re no longer attached to them. Thusly, it was created as a form of corporal punishment. Note – it was not created as a marketing campaign to encourage greater financial gain.

Some sorts with “smart” business acumen latched onto the idea and over the generations the concept has, clearly, been a popular technique. Indeed – first come, first severed. Perhaps the policy is you’re severed of something you don’t really need, like a big toe, if you arrive first. Then people further down the queue lose something more essential, such as a foot.

Whatever, we’re quite happy to announce we’re not moronic enough to commit ourselves to such a dubious deal. We don’t care how much those prices have been slashed, or if it’s buy one get one free, if we’re going to lose a limb in the bloody process we shall take our consumerism some place else! Yes, British outrage is the most damning of the lot.

Advice For Businesses

If your business still severs its customers, we’re sending out a polite request for you to stop. It’s not game, sir or madam. There are myriad new techniques to gain custom that don’t involve you having to mop up loads of blood afterward. To assist you with this shift towards less agonising marketing strategies, we’ve provided you with a few ideas. Best of luck!

• YouTube ads you can’t Skip: Just as agonising as losing a limb and even more frustrating, counting down those 20 seconds until the ad ends is akin to peeling the skin from your body with a dull spoon. Highly effective for engaging people who can’t be bothered downloading ad blockers.
• First come, first preserved: An adaptation of the old maxim, this marketing slogan ensures the first people to arrive at your business establishment will not be maimed in any way, shape, or form! What could be more encouraging than that? Also, you can give them a jar of preserves (i.e. jam) as a reminder of your gracious mercy.
• First come, first starved: This would be brilliant if you’re a dietitian! Target your audience with effective neurolinguistic persuasion.
• First come, first carved: If you’re finding it difficult to let go of butchering your customers, this one may be an acceptable compromise. Yes, your customers will have to face some form of mutilation, but only through carving. Ensure your deals are incredible and they will come, no matter what pain one must inflict.