At the best of times, it can be hard work remembering what your significant other looks like. A lot of men look pretty similar, especially when they go bald and get fat, whilst women are easily identifiable via their long hair and how they’ll be wearing a skirt or blouse. After a long day at work, you can get home and think, “Who the Hell is that stuffing a Pot Noodle into their f… oh, ****… it’s Larry!” To avoid such an embarassment, here’s our guide to remembering what your bird/geezer looks like.

Forgetful Filly

ZOMG! HELP ME, PROFESSIONAL MORON! I can't remember who my husband is! It's terrible! I came home tonight and didn't recognise him. I threw myself on this smoking hot guy (who turned out to be his best mate Jay) and my husband, Kai, reacted badly to that. He threw a punch at Jay, but Jay is a black belt in karate and quickly subdued Kai by throwing him through mid-air. My husband came smashing down on the glass table in our living room and hasn't moved since (I'm writing this three hours after the event). Jay has run off. Holy crap... how do I ensure this doesn't happen again? How do I even know the pile of bloody rubble in my living room is my goddamn husband?! Fond regards, Stacey

Hi, Stacey. Now, just to clear things up, it’s “I can’t remember WHOM my husband is!” – please remember that in future. “Whom” is a pronoun, so please ensure you play the pronoun game in future, Stacey, in order to speed up the immediacy of this incident. We mean, what if you’d called the emergency services and made that blunder? No ambulance for you.

Anyway, it seems to me like you’re dissatisfied with your husband and, consequently, you’ve subconsciously blocked his existence out of your memory. The human male exsanguinating on your carpet probably is your husband, but by the sounds of it you can blame this whole messy ordeal on Jay. Call the police immediately and explain that Kai has been maimed by Jay. This will save you any jail time and could land you some fiscal compensation.

Amnesia

If, however, you’ve got a more serious memory problem… well, get a new husband – one that you will be able to remember! They’re all the same, really, and typically come with two legs, two arms, two eyes, stubble, way too much hair, and foul stinking feet. Should you wish to date such an abomination, here’s our guide to the world’s most available bachelors.

• Brad Pitt: Adequate looking, well off, steady career etc. Talks with an American accent. Acts. Does stupid TV commercials as well. In his 50s, but looks about 40. Not bald.
• Bruce Willis: Bald. In his 60s, but looks about 40. Acts. Steady career. Not as wealthy as, for example, Bill Gates but is better looking.
• Bill Gates: Married, but don’t let that stop you. A billionaire. Created My Crow’s Soft, the world’s most popular computer operating system for crows. Downside? Plans to give away 95% of his wealth to charity by 2030. Do gooding bastard, you can do better. Addendum: he’s not bald.
• Elon Musk: Was balding, but had a hair transplant. Well off. Clever, but mansplains a lot. Terrible surname – ask yourself this, are you ready and willing to be Mrs. Musk?
• Chris Pratt: Objectionable surname, but no signs of male pattern balding (yet). Successful actor, but not really much of a talent. Looks good with stubble. Has displayed no tendencies to manspread, as of yet.
• Jason Statham: Bald, but gets away with it. Gruff voiced. London accent – can grate after a bit. English, too, so probably has the common cold 80% of the time.
• Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: Extremely buff. Not as psychotic as he looks. Bald, but charming. Popular. Successful. Probably won’t be interested in Professional Moron, though, which is a goddamn *mumble grumble mumble*.