It’s the World Cup and the sight of grown men sprinting around on a football pitch, whilst other grown men bellow stuff like “GO OOOONNNN, YOU ****IN’ USELESS PIECE OF ****!”, has inspired us to think of better type of sports pitches. Our best idea? The cabbage pitch! Yes, this is an adaptation of the cabbage patch.

The idea is twofold: have a more interesting type of sports pitch, but also create healthy vegetables in order to provide athletes with energy during the game. The cabbage pitch would also provide fans with cabbage-based foodstuffs to enjoy during a match, such as cabbageshakes (a cabbage milkshake), cabbage dogs, cabbage beer, cabbage soup, cabbage ice cream, and various other recipes.

Cabbage Pitch

The cabbage pitch is, basically, a cabbage patch but the size of a full football pitch – 100 yards by 130 yards. Now, that’s a lot of cabbage. Thusly, a cabbage specialist must be hired for each pitch in order to keep the ground looking spick and span. This individual will be a hairy, morbidly obese male – just for fun, you know? He can stand at the side of the pitch during matches and fans will be encouraged to pelt him with rotten cabbages.

The pitch will, of course, be covered in cabbages. This additional obstruction will bring out the skill in the players – there’ll be no lazy days or phoning in a performance! No, they’ll be busy dodging around stray cabbages, desperately trying to not trip over one as they make their way towards the goal looking for triumph amongst cabbages.

The football will, of course, be a cabbage. There is something truly noble about watching grown men playing the beautiful game with a robust cabbage – truly, it brings a tear to one’s eye (or eyes, if you have more than one). Pelting the thing with a foot and watching it soar through the air, as the goalkeeper dives elegantly to grab it in his glove stricken hands. A more profound moment you will not find on this here Earth.

Capricious Cabbages

The game of football is made a lot more dangerous due to the cabbage pitch. Players will be slipping, sliding, tripping, and falling their way around, we assure you! Why? As the game advances over 90 minutes, the cabbages are trampled and mushed – this frees the pitch up of many cabbage shaped blockages, but also induces slippery conditions. Most teams will be decimated by half time due to a severe number of injuries.

We trial ran a match in the Professional Moron office backyard. It was a five-a-side game, but it proved rather deadly. Shortly into proceedings, the office apprentice trod awkwardly on one cabbage, sprained an ankle, screamed in agony, sprained his other ankle as he attempted to steady himself, then was concussed as he fell forward and whacked his head on a cabbage, then the ground. We all had a good laugh about that one.

Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, then received a red card when he brought his flamethrower onto the pitch to “terrify the opposition into submission”. Disgusted, he sat on the bylines sulking, but soon perked up once he got some cabbage ice cream, and also when our sub-editor shattered his leg in a bone-crunching tackle from our deputy editor.

All-in-all, the match was a success, but the gruesome injuries sustained by all (except for our esteemed editor) ensured it’s more of a Roman Colosseum-type mauling extravaganza than football game. However, with cabbages at the forefront of the beautiful game, we feel an international World Cabbage is only a few years away – you’d broth (better) be ready!