Kids and children are what couples procure in order to further the survival of the human species. We’ve all been snotty nosed little brats at one stage or another, but the big question for parents is how many of those snotty nosed sorts does one wish to manage at any given time? Today, we have a married pair whom wish to create an entire clan. Is it mission impossible? We dish out the advice.
Good day to you, Professional Moron. My wife and I have 19 kids (she gave birth to them, not me) and we want more. More! MORE! It's like an addiction. Once the first one arrived, they just kept coming! We're not even sure where from, because I had a vasectomy three years ago! Liz says it's divine intervention. Is she right? Are we... special? She's adamant we are, so she wants us to make it to at least 40 kids, but I've said 20 is enough. When I say that, she gets hysterical and starts throwing our smaller children at me in anger, but our older children just catch them and tell her off. What should we do? She's insistent! Yours, Clive
Hello, Clive. Having children is a big responsibility. You can’t get bored after a bit and leave some of them at McDonald’s to make their own way in life. We’re not suggesting this was on your parenting radar, but if you push on to 40+ kids it may cross your mind. Also, you’d get to a point where it would be really difficult to find good names for them. There’s only so many times you can use Esmeralda, Barbarella, Kevin, or Clive Jnr.
Firstly, think of whether this is affordable. Liz will have to fulfill her motherly destiny and become a doting housewife. Is your job going to be enough to fun 40 children? Think, for example, of your summer vacation – when all 40 of you descend on, say, a pretty French resort with each child screaming a braying for attention amongst the mass of other holiday-goers, it leaves very little you time.
Also, think of other common family activities, such as trips to the cinema. Say it’s £5 a ticket, that’s £200 just to see a film with all 40 of your kids! Plus around £12 for an adult ticket. Go to the cinema, for example, three times a month and you’re looking at £636, or £7,632 annually just to watch films. That’s a bit excessive, don’t you think?
You indicated you’ve had a vasectomy – are you sure? Check your records to ensure you didn’t accidentally go in for an operation to get liposuction, or some such. You need to get to the root of this and discover where these babies keep coming from. If now from your trouser department, then where?
We remain skeptical divine intervention from an omnipotent being is responsible. We’re more open to the possibility of alien beings impregnating your wife. Have you or any of your family members been abducted recently? Have you noticed any unexpected superpowers, like the ability to fly? Have any of your children got telltale alien attributes, so as telepathic communication? If so, report these to your local police department – they’ll guard your house and open fire on any alien spacecrafts that return to abduct you.