Toilets are quite important. Without a toilet, you’re basically a barbarian. Imagine having lived your life with no toilets in the vicinity, you’d feel ashamed at what you’d have been through. Ashamed! However, they are around to save us all from mortal embarrassment. Thusly, to slake your toilet-based fascination, here’s a FAQ session – go forth and thrill friends and family with these pungent facts!

What is a toilet?

Typically, a typical toilet will possess a deathly pallid appearance as if it’s in a state of relentless shock due to its role in the Universe. They come with a lid which is, really, superfluous, but cause much arguments between genders. Additionally, there’s a a “bowl” region which contains water (not for human consumption), plus a “flush” to remove stuff into an alternate Universe.

Who invented the toilet?

Someone who hated not having a toilet.

What did people do before toilets?

They just didn’t go to the toilet.

Why are toilets ubiquitous with bathrooms?

We should imagine there was much debate about where best to locate the toilet in any given household. Naturally, the bedroom, living room, or kitchen are relatively unsanitary locations, although would promote much awkward moments and childish giggling amongst families. Similarly, were a toilet to be located on rooftop this would lead to many unnecessary fatalities. The bathroom was subsequently invented to house the toilet.

Are there any add-ons for toilets?

There are many marketing gimmicks from stupid companies, but we decided to introduce the best toilet add-on ever! It costs £100,000 annually, but is totally worth it. You go to the toilet as normal, but in your bathroom is the New Zealand rugby team. As you toilet, they’ll perform the ritual haka war cry to gee you up to performing, or to terrify the stuff out of you in an instant. Ka mate, Ka mate!

Is the toilet a suitable topic of discussion around the dinner table?

Unless you’ve just had a particularly marvellous toilet installed in your home, it’s best not to discuss toilet-based activities with friends, family, or peers.

Do not, for example, begin an important meeting, or job interview, with an anecdote about your recent exploits on a toilet. Do not provide the notes you made whilst on the toilet and, most importantly, do not provide photographic or recorded evidence of any recent visits. This would be particularly damaging for a job interview.

I don’t like toilets. they’re disgusting! I want to use something else. What should I do?

If you wish toilets to become a thing of the past, simply foul yourself whenever you need to go. You’ll have to get used to hosing yourself down regularly with this option, but if you like showers then this may be perfectly acceptable.

I’ve decided to keep my toilet, but… how do I use it?

There are certain activities we advise you all follow in order to successfully toilet:

• Ensure no one else is in the room with you
• Don’t ring up a friend whilst you’re on the toilet
• Don’t take selfies of yourself toileting (if you must, don’t then go and publish them on your social media accounts)
• Don’t start a blog specifically about your toiletry habits
• Ensure you have parents who are willing to teach you the basics
• The water in the bowl isn’t suitable for drinking
• Your head isn’t a suitable alternative to the humble bog brush

Can I use a flamethrower instead of the bog brush? I find the latter icky.

If you like. Your toilet will also take on a charred appearance, which may suit your bathroom decor. However, do note the toilet seat will melt.

What happens if i run out of bog roll?

This is a code one emergency – immediately call the emergency services and a helicopter air rescue will be flown to you and your toilet. You’ll then be placed in intensive care. A specialist team of toilet experts will also perform an investigation into how this bog roll calamity could have occurred.

Will I fully recover?

Despite running out of bog roll, many people go on to lead normal lives. Take each day at a time during your rehabilitation and, before long, you’ll be able to look at bog roll again without screaming like a wimp.