This week’s FAQs goes out to all of the employers and employees out there, so this is a multi-faceted article designed to ameliorate within the spheres of ideation. First up, how do you get a job interview? Well, we have you covered with that link back there! But, for the finer details, read this alarming post to be less alarmed about upcoming interviews.

You may also remember from yesterday – we’re hiring! With that in mind, you might wish to bone up on this post before sending in your application. This is just to ensure you can ideate within the qualitative means of quantitative amelioration to sustain substantive ownership of fiscal continuity.

Interviewers

What interview questions should we ask?

Of course, the modern workplace is all about modern ideals, so ideate within the sphere of ideation – think outside the box, thought shower your echelonic ideating, and challenge your new charge with reactive activation through ideation. Say you’re hiring a new marketing manager – below are the template questions you should consider:

• What do you make of earwigs?
• Do you think it’s ever professionally acceptable to punch your boss in the face?
• Where do you see yourself in 55,000 years?
• What can you tell us about your shelf?
• Professionally, has there ever been a time at work when you’ve thought: “Fuck this for a laugh”?
• Why should we give YOU this job, you bastard?
• Display for us, through interpretative dance (which we shall record for a round table discussion with our CEO afterwards), why you wish to be our marketing manager.

What if the most suitable candidate is really ugly, can we still hire them?

Yes. You can, subsequently, fund plastic surgery for them so they’re less offensive to your workplace.

What dress code should we enforce for interviews?

At Professional Moron, we promote a cross-dressing policy to get the interviewee out of their comfort zone so they can ideate qualitative brand equity differentiation. We can also point and laugh at them. Some of them burst into tears. This is known as a “negative asset” and they’re sent packing home.

One of the interviewees sneezed during the interview. Is that impertinent?

It depends. Did a shower of snot and mucus fly across the room, dousing you all in grotesque greenery? If so, yes that’s impertinent.

At the end of the interview, we stretched out arms for a formal handshake, but the interviewee accidentally grabbed hold of my “trouser department”. What do I do?

Barricade him/her into the office, threaten them with threats such as “If you whistleblow, you’ll never work in the vending machine industry again!”, and get them to sign a legal waiver.

Interviewees

I’m really nervous before interviews. What should I do?

It depends how nervous you are. If you’re visibly quaking in terror, this will generate negative equity. Wear a straitjacket to contain yourself – when quizzed about this, inform them you’re freshly out of a mental institute. If you foul yourself during the interview, simply indicate you’re merely pleased to see them.

If I fluff a question, should I be concerned?

Probably.

One of the interviewers smells funny, should I bring this up?

Interviewers appreciate honesty and a go-getting attitude. If one of them smells, absolutely bring it up. To ease the blow to their confidence, drop in an anecdote of something disgusting you once did (i.e. “Oh, don’t worry, I once puked on my friend’s head!”). Lighten the atmosphere further by rating your interviewers based on level of attractiveness.

It’s come to the dreaded “Have you any questions for us?” bit… what should I ask them?

Firstly, and secondly, this is your chance to shine! Take a deep breath and fire across pertinent questions that will render them speechless, gobsmacked (you can also smack them across the gob, if you so wish – this isn’t impertinence or assault, it’s initiative), and impressed with your ability to ideate under pressure. Ask:

• What’s your toilet policy here? For instance, can I go in the woman’s toilets if the men’s are full?
• I’ve never been in a woman’s toilet before, would it be possible to arrange it so I have exclusive access to the ladies’ cubicles?
• What are the toilets like – are they clean? Who’s the cleaner – is he or she qualified?
• Has there ever been a recorded instance when the company ran out of toilet roll?
• Are there any plans to expand the business to provide a private toilet for every worker?
• Can I get a urinal installed next to my desk so I don’t have to walk all the way to the toilets?

At the end of the interview… what do I do?

Loiter. The interviewers will be impressed you don’t want to leave. Hang around until closing time and ask if anyone wants to go out for a drink.

Turn up the following day, too, really early – like, 6am. Hang around outside so you’re clearly visible on CCTV and they know how committed you are. The same evening, follow one of the managers home and introduce yourself to their family. Invite yourself in and make yourself at home. Stay for as long as possible (usually until the police are called).