In these complex times, some people wish to become some other people. Our esteemed editor and chief agony aunt, Mr. Wapojif, wishes he was Mary Queen of Scots AND Andre Agassi. Good combo! But what if you’re married to someone else who then wants to become someone else? Let’s help out today’s wretched sinner, replete with advice for how to perform amateur surgery.

Husband or Wife?

Good day, Professional Morons. I'm faced with a pressing issue of which I believe there is no known first, or second. My husband wishes to become my wife. He wants to chop his you-know-whats off and "become a human female". I'm not sure he's quite himself. I had to call Bill, our neighbour, over to hold him down as he was literally trying to chop his own bollocks off with our garden shears. This sprung out of nowhere. Yesterday he was fine and screaming sweet bloody murder at the TV when the football was on. As usual, he was making loads of sexist remarks about "fit birds" in the street, too. Then today he suddenly appeared for breakfast in MY best dress, covered in MY best makeup, and ready to perform a DIY sex change on himself. What the Hell? Yours, Doreen

Hi, Doreen. It’s not uncommon for men to get in touch with their feminine side, but we do feel this is a stretch too far. Had he managed to mutilate himself in that manner, then he would have bled out in about five minutes. Consequently, you were right to stop him from chopping off his you-know-whats.

Spontaneous cross-dressing is a phenomena new to us. Do you know if your husband is suffering from brain damage, at all? Has he had any unexpected falls of significant magnitude during the 24 hours leading up to his makeshift sex change? If not, rummage through his personal belongings, internet history, and computer files to see if there have been latent urges hinting towards his “unexpected” intentions.

Wife: Advantages

Ultimately, we feel you have to slake his manly needs and live up to your wife-based role. He’s the man, so let him do what he wants. Besides, you’ll find having a wife is probably better than having a husband. Having a wife has many benefits. These include:

• Not having a husband
• Discussions about pretty things (flowers, crockery, cushions, Semtex etc.)
• Less bellowing, belching, foul man smells, and hairy backs
• The toilet seat will always be down

Wife: Disadvantages

Of course, wives create some disadvantages that you need to keep in mind. As a wife yourself, you may be unaware of many of the foibles you’re afflicted with. This isn’t necessarily down to your chronic lack of self-awareness, but more to do with your being too busy with fluffing cushions, dusting, baking cookies, and being half deafened by your husband’s bellowing. Some disadvantages are:

• Cushions – as great as they can be, having two wives will create a surplus of cushions which, consequently, could lead to fatal accidents (suffocation etc.)
• There may be pitched battles for whom gets to use the washing machine – arm yourself with a ladle and be prepared to do dastardly battle in order to get your cushion covers cleaned
• The oven will be on 24/7 as you both bake endless cookies, which will dramatically increase your electricity/gas bill
• A surplus of flowers could trigger hazardous levels of hayfever

With this in mind, consider your options carefully. It may be wise for your future wife to go to a professional doctor for the operation, but as a cost saving measure a pair of garden shears, a blow torch, some balloons, and a wig may suffice. Best of luck, Doreen!