The Sun. It’s a tawdry British tabloid newspaper. The real Sun is a giant ball of plasma that beams down tan inducing waves of sunlight to us here on Earth. That’s pretty useful and everything, but the truth is most of us don’t know much about its uses, role in the Universe, and how long you can stare directly at it until your eyes melt. Thusly, our FAQs list will help you out a great deal.

What’s the Sun?

As aforementioned, it’s a tawdry British tabloid that has a propensity for salacious gossip and right wing propaganda.

No, I mean, what’s the other Sun? That thing in the sky.

Oh, that. It’s our friendly neighbourhood ball of psychotic lunacy. Without it, we’d all be dead!

Is it better than the Moon, then?

Seriously, don’t patronise us with questions like that. It’s, like, twice as good as the Moon!

What about Mars, is the Sun better than Mars?

Yes, without Mars we’d all be fine. As aforementioned, without the Sun we’d all be dead. That’s a different ballpark entirely. Fine… or dead. Which one do you think is better out of those two?

Yeah, but, I heard the Sun is going to blow up eventually and kill us all hideously. So that’s kind of a deal breaker. I prefer the Moon. It’s benign.

You’re getting confused here, the Sun isn’t out to do us in or anything. It’s just the natural laws of nature.

So the natural law of everything is death and destruction? What happened to “The Sun has got his hat on, hip hip hip hooray”? It’s not, “The Sun has got his hat on, hip hip hip Arrrrghhh I’m burNing! This is horrendous! Why wasn’t I forewarned of this disastrous eventuality?”

Well, the Sun Has Got His Hat On is inaccurate on numerous levels. The Sun doesn’t have a gender, as such, and if it did we always figured it’d be a woman. But even if it attempted to wear a hat, the fashion statement would end in dismal failure. Hats aren’t typically well suited to extreme high temperatures.

What? So you’re saying the sun doesn’t wear a hat?

Indeed. The hat would be incinerated. It’s very hot up there.

So how does the Sun stay cool during the summer?

The Sun never stays cool, it’s always a broiling mass of red hot madness.

Cripes. It must have one epic tan. And a temper to match!

Indeed.

I’ve heard the Sun is really massive, though, so its heating bill must be through the roof!

Yes, it’s very large.

That’s what she said.

What?

It was just a joke.

Don’t tell any others, please. As for the heating bit… don’t be stupid, no one is charging the Sun. It is the energy provider, not the bill payer.

Okay, that makes more sense. But what do we do when the Sun asks us to move out of the solar system? Is humanity doomed?

NASA’s brightest minds are working on ways of haggling with the Sun. Ultimately, mankind has always survived everything it has faced (during its exceptionally brief moment in history, which hasn’t really been very long at all, and in this time we’ve proven pretty useful at wiping ourselves out). Humankind, too. Mankind, however, will likely have to move in to another planet elsewhere in the Universe. The rent could be higher, the view not as good, but it’s about prolonging the existence of our pernicious species.

Okay. What does pernicious mean?

It’s when you buy something, find out it’s broken, but you’ve lost the receipt so you can’t return it to the shop. That lingering, bitter frustration will stay with you for the rest of your days.

Okay. I really don’t like the idea of the Sun exploding, is there nothing mankind can do?

Again, NASA will ask the star very politely to restrain itself, but the Sun is capricious in its ways. There’s not much we can do about it. Plus it’s billions of years off, so you don’t have to worry about it.

You’re saying I won’t be alive in billions of years?!

Yes.

Okay. THat’s quite upsetting. But what does capricious mean?

It’s when you buy a soiled item from a shop, but you didn’t realise it was soiled until you got home. Upon returning it to the shop, even with your receipt, the store then claims you soiled the item on purpose. It’s that sort of situation we have with the Sun.

How can I lift this wave of existential depression I now feel crushing down on me?

Read The Sun tabloid newspaper, it’ll kill off many brain cells and leave you in a state of vacant obliviousness to all around you.