The Kite of Doom is a specific type of kite. Most kites glide merrily on the breeze, a beautiful sight to behold. Very rarely are they associated with death and destruction. Indeed, your average kite’s nearest scrape with doom is when the string has broken and they’ve gone soaring off and, perhaps, collided with a jumbo jet. But in those cases, the kite comes off worse – so it’s only a personal tragedy for the kite.

The Kite of Doom is a tad different. Its scientific title is the Mortem Nihilism Device of Augustia (the Death Nihilism Device of Dismay). The Kite of Doom is catchier from a marketing perspective. But, rest assured, this thing isn’t purely about instilling horror on the masses ahead of the Halloween rush. No, it’s got a jolly good, life-affirming purpose as well!

The Kite of Doom

Do note: this is not a military device. Its intended use is for families, hooligans, evil geniuses, tyrants, and anyone looking for a new hobby. The Kite of Doom is a standard kite, but it has a series of deadly features that are, as a whole, worthy of offering a legitimate claim to this product being the Kite of Doom. Here are some of its attributes:

• Laser Blaster: Ubiquitous and insipid, sure, but a really nifty way to laser blast stuff out of the sky.
• Bazooka: As above, but packs an added punch.
• Nuclear Warhead: This can be used in the event of last ditch emergencies (i.e. the police have arrived to claim the Kite of Doom from you and you want to go out in a blaze of glory).
• Rye Bread Loaf: In case you need to make some sandwiches between bouts of crazed lunacy.
• Chav: A profane, dribbling male chav will be attached to the contraption to yell obscenities, dribble, leer at women, and throw stuff such as empty cider bottles. The chav won’t touch the rye bread, don’t worry! Chavs only eat pot noodles or McDonald’s.
• Doomsday Literature: We’re drafting several pamphlets for the kite to distribute over the towns and villages it frequents. These will inform locals of the doom-based nature of the Kite of Doom and what they should do: flee in panic, scream hysterically, drop to their knees and bellow “No!” etc.

This is for the beta model. But for the Kite of Doom 1.0 we’re aiming to include a pessimistic shaman to chant negative things, a plastic water bottle to remind everyone of the plastic epidemic the world faces, a right wing climate change denier, and a 10 foot self-portrait of Ming the Merciless.

Weight Issues

With all of the above attached to the Kite of Doom, you may be wondering how on Earth the thing is going to be able to waft delicately on the wind whilst exhibiting elegance and grace. Well, we trial ran the product (even though the chav complained vociferously and kept clawing at our faces with his clammy, pallid hands) and must admit that it looked about as elegant as a blue whale attempting to make a strawberry cupcake.

In fact, the kite wouldn’t even waft on the wind. The Kite of Doom simply sat on the floor like an unmovable rock, whilst the chav told us to go and do things to ourselves. Eventually, we strapped some helicopter blades to the kite and an engine, so it could take off and buzz around. Unfortunately, this somewhat removed the “kite” element from our initial plans. So we may rename this one the Helicopter of Doom and attempt to sell it to the NHS as an air rescue model (with added oomph).