Sooner or later in life, you’re going to have to miss a day of work. It might be due to scurvy, you’ve been kidnapped, or maybe you’re just really hungover. Whatever, you’re going to need to come up with a viable excuse. If you don’t, you’ll be fired immediately! On the spot. Tally bally ho. Ta ta. So, you need to get that excuse perfect. Here are 10 we’ve used our marketing research to determine will work 100% every time.

1. I was abducted by aliens.

The timeless classic. The problem with this one is your employers can’t verify whether you were abducted by aliens or not. So even if you weren’t, or if you flat out were and have the extra head to prove so, you’re safe with this one.

2. I was busy abducting aliens.

If you’ve already used #1, then maybe plump for this one. When they ask you “Why?”, retort simply: “For revenge!” This will make a great deal of sense for your line manager. They will nod knowingly. For your part, have a revenge grimace of determination on your face throughout your explanation. Adds that added dollop of believably.

3. I had severe gangrene, from which I’ve now recovered (thanks to divine intervention), but don’t rule out any further instances of gangrene (which may, or may not, be cured by further miracles).

The old gangrene line is as old as gangrene itself. In the past, it usually was a liable sickness excuse (due to the prevalence of gangrene in antiquity etc.), but these days you might be more hard pushed to convince your employers.

As such, you may need to paint part of your limb green and insist it’s “still in the healing faze.” If they look unconvinced, briefly excuse yourself from the room, mush up a banana in your mouth, return to the room and pretend to puke on the floor. You can then blame that on the gangrene. Your boss will feel so sorry for you, he’ll hand over a 10% pay rise.

4. I couldn’t be bothered coming in.

Honesty is, sometimes, the best practice. Maybe you just couldn’t be bothered going to work. Good on you!

5. On Tuesday I remembered I’m supposed to be in on a Monday, so inadvertently failed to attend on Monday due to this 24 hour delay in my conscious understanding.

Blaming it on a transmundane error is always a good one. Go forth and be late.

6. I attempted to attend work but, as I was extraordinarily drunk, I crashed my vehicle into a carpet warehouse a mile from the office. I think the fact I made it that far deserves respect. Due to my experience, I can now also recommend a far better colour carpet for the business’ office.

Highlighting personal vices is a good tip. Again, honesty can go a long way. If you make it clear you’ve learned from your experience (the carpet change bit), then the business will recognise you’ve got much more to offer than the dazed glare of a blackout victim.

7. I mistakenly thought the absence protocol was the abscess protocol. labouring Under this confusion, instead of ringing the office to report my absence, I went to hospital to have my non-existent abscess checked.

On retrospect, we think you’ll look a bit stupid if you use this one. Maybe plump for the next one instead.

8. Having left for work in the morning with good intentions, I was sidetracked by Beelzebub.

Nice one. Perhaps confirm you’ve since forgotten any demonic urges and won’t let it happen again.

9. Under the belief I was a marmoset, I didn’t attend work in order to pursue more pertinent desires, which included (but was not limited to) foraging, mating, throwing dung at my neighbours, and hanging idly from the tree in my lawn.

If they pester you about how this could happen, indicate the stress of the job is getting to you. This will allow you to inveigle your way to paid time off. Nice one!

10. I’m not coming back in until you pay me more. I’m holding the water cooler as ransom until then. you bastards.

Finally, if you feel you’re due a raise then this is a passive aggressive (if not foolhardy) way to go about ensuring you’re handed the salary you deserve. Congratulations for showing such tremendous initiative!