When it comes to dating bitches and geezers, eventually (by the laws of causality and marmalade) you’ll find The One. This individual is The One you’re destined to be with, until you inevitably get fed up with each other and suffer a horrifically acrimonious divorce. But, everything preceding that was onesome (awesome). As today’s imbe… person in need is trying to find out.

This is the One

Hello. I am Mary. I am looking for The One. Where is my One? I need to get The One. Help me find my One. I want my One. Thanks in advance for this on(e)orous [the "e" was added by us! - Editor] activity, Mary

Hello, Mary. A fundamental grasp of mathematics is useful in deciding upon this. The One is the one you, essentially, one (want) to get. Correct? Thusly, you need to be able to determine the difference between one, two, three, theoretical physics, quantum mechanics, qualia-based reductionism, and potatoes (the latter in case you get so confused by the other stuff you end up wanting to date a spud, instead of a stud).

If math isn’t your thing then, rest assured, it won’t be for your The One either. Finding your perfect partner is about understanding whether your CONNECT with them on an emotional, physical, and agonising level (i.e. if you stab them with a knife, do they suffer the same physical sensation as when you stab yourself with a knife? We’re not suggesting, by the way, you stab yourself with a knife, or any other object, just keep in mind you need to be in tandem with this person, and stabbing is a sound directive).

The Two

In preparation for finding The One, perhaps find your The Two first. The individual will nearly represent everything you want from a partner, but will have some hideous flaw that ensures they don’t hit the precipice of your desire (i.e. they have an ingrowing toenail, Nazi propaganda spread across their home, or a penchant for rap music).

Regardless, regard their less positive attributes with cool aplomb. You can take a step further still back, if you wish, and choose your The Three. This individual will have something in common with you (i.e. you both hate being eaten alive by a shark), but the hideous warts on their face mean marriage can never be a possibility.

The Zero

Anyway, if you wish to take real strides forward we can thoroughly recommend The Zero. This being isn’t necessarily a human – you may, for instance, find you share a better understanding with your deodorant bottle than any man who has ever entered your life. So, why not date the deodorant bottle? Sure, it’s not sentient, but at least it smells good (unlike your average BO stinking male SOB).

The zero can also be something else. We don’t mean Coke Zero (the Coca-Cola product with no sugar in it), but something else. It may be a 0:0 draw at your local football match, for example. Whilst not typically the romantic gesture you may be looking for, you could still find a disappointed football hooligan in the street ready to pelt a half empty pint glass at his opposition. Is this your dreamboat?! Yes. It is (possibly). So, Mary, look for such opportunities and treat them with one-upmanship. The result? Marriage. Kids. The One? No. The Zero. Your besties will be dead jel.