Emotions are for the emotional. This is a fact. And in a world dominated by emotional people, it’s important to remember where you stand (emotionally). This is why, using our expert emotional knowledge, we have put together an EQ (emotional intelligence) test in order to test your emotions. So, get ready to get emotional! It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

1. You see an elderly man of, probably, about 88 struggling to get on a bus. What do you do?

A: Punch him in the face.

B: Tell him he shouldn’t be using public transport at his age.

C: Ridicule him for no apparent reason.

D: Ask him out on a date.

2. Your best friend is having his/her birthday. What present do you buy them?

A: They’re richer than I am, I don’t need to buy him/her anything.

B: I dunno… like, a sack of potatoes or something?

C: I don’t do presents.

D: Whatever I find lying about in the streets 30 minutes before their party.

3. You’re on a date, but your date has some spinach stuck in their teeth. What do you do?

A: Punch them in the face until the spinach is gone.

B: Ridicule them until they cry.

C: Remind them that you’re one Hell of a catch and they should be taking better care of their physical appearance.

D: Vomit uncontrollably.

4. It’s a dinner party and you’ve accidentally food poisoned your guests. What do you do?

A: Tell them it’s their fault for trusting your cooking skills and you have no legal responsibility for their safety.

B: Laugh at them.

C: Inform them that you only have one toilet and they’re not allowed to use it.

D: Shrug your shoulders and go and watch Netflix as they writhe in agony. Turn up the volume to drown out the groans of anguish.

5. Your first child has just been born. How do you feel?

A: Pretty annoyed, to be honest. Does it always make that much noise?

B: Bored.

C: Indifferent.

D: I’ll give it a few years, but if it’s not showing Mozart levels of genius I want out of this.

6. It’s sunday morning, you’re in your dressing gown, and the doorbell rings. Thoughts?

A: Punch whomever is at the door in the face.

B: Get rid of the person and then remove your door with a bulldozer to ensure no one else will ever turn up again.

C: Prep your bazooka – it’s probably some communists.

D: Propose to the person and insist you get married the following weekend.

7. someone with a secret crush on you finally opens up. this clearly took a lot of nerves and they’re worried about how you may react. what do you do?

A: Tell them you loathe them.

B: Sneeze, but don’t apologise.

C: Laugh. Then cry.

D: Strip naked and get them to rate you out of 10.

8. You’re in a supermarket queue and someone is taking ages to pay. how do you behave?

A: I’d punch them in the face!

B: Tutt and and shake your head with increasing vigour as the minutes tick by.

C: Remark “Finally!” as they complete their arduous task.

D: Repeatedly point at the bag of onions on the conveyor and inform the person they’re going off.

9. It’s Monday morning and it’s time to go to work. How do you feel?

A: Oh… my… GOOOOOD! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

B: This wouldn’t happen. I’m an unemployable wretch.

C: I’m too drunk to go to work, I’d better ring in sick.

D: I am the Queen of England, I don’t need to go to work.

10. a close friend opens up about their newfound religious beliefs. How do you react?

A: Punch them in the face.

B: Ask them to give you some money.

C: Tell them you’re fine with their belief system, but you do wish they’d shave off their monobrow.

D: Laugh at them. They should be worshipping you, not God.

Conclusion

Congratulations! You’ve made it to the end of the test. Now it’s time to tot up your scores and see where you stand on the EQ scale. Don’t worry if you’re a dismal failure – there’s always time to rectify glaring personality flaws!

• Mainly As: You’re a bit violent, aren’t you? Perhaps get some anger management classes. Punching people will only get you in trouble.
• Mainly Bs: There’s something wrong with you and you should be in jail.
• Mainly Cs: You’re a nice enough person, but that’s no excuse.
• Mainly Ds: You’ve really no idea what’s going on, do you? Trademark Dunning-Kruger effect.