Agony! That’s what we face every time we do one of these columns. Sheer agony. Heading into an agony aunt piece, we stamp violently on each others’ feet to get a collective sense of anguish into the air. Then, we take on a person’s issue and, whilst whipping each other mercilessly with belts, with logic and reason work out a solution that will benefit the person in need. Think you could do that? This guy sure does.

Agony Aunt Extraordinaire

Dear Professional Moron. I like dealing with suffering and woe, so I want to do what you do. No, not be moronic. I want to be an agony aunt. So... how do I go about healing people? I'm a nice person, I think I qualify. I once returned someone's car door I'd stolen in a drunken frenzy. But I know it's usually women who are agony aunts... but I want to be an agony aunt! This sexist state of affairs must end! Here's to meninism! Down with misandry! Up with me helping folks with dubious advice! I await with eagerness your learned response. John.

Hi, John. Well, not any old person can be an agony aunt. It takes years of training, craft, perseverance, and mental anguish to do what we do. It’s not like we just scrawl out any old irreverent gibberish that enters our heads! No, first we went to Agony Aunt University, which is located in Scunthorpe of England. So, you’ve gotta be in England if you want to do this! Have you got the metal?!

Agony Aunt University

With a six month, gruelling application process, you’re going to struggle to make it into this uni unless you’ve got at least one B grade from high school. After that, you’ll endure those six months of mental torture. You’ll be put under immense psychological pressure, with agony aunt teachers pelting you with verbal abuse for six months straight.

You’ll then receive a written assignment with 50 questions about difficult dating scenarios, catching quips to impress readers with (e.g. “Ditch that zero and find yourself a hero!” etc.), plus a psychometric test (for the Hell of it), and you’ll be punched in the face until you cry. The latter is to ensure you’re overly emotional enough to handle other people’s overly tedious and mundane issues.

Getting Your First Job

Okay, so you’re ready to be an agony aunt! You just walk into any business you see in the street and hand over your credentials, right? Wrong, idiot! You have years of poverty and job rejections ahead of you… what are you, stupid!? Not many people are in need of agony aunts these days, you see, what with “doctors” and all that. Plus, the top job ones for national newspapers are usually filled already by cantankerous middle-aged women.

But you must persevere! The spoil shall eventually come your way! It’s not uncommon for agony aunts to earn in excess of £300,000 million a year. Well, that is pretty uncommon. In fact, most agony aunt practitioners are either unemployed, unemployable, or cut a poverty line payslip. But what you must get from this is how you’re helping people with your nonsense advice. It shall help you find a better conceit of yourself.

Gender Swap

On a conclusive note, you may wish to go ahead and get a gender swap after all. Female agony aunts are much more likely to find a role within the first 17 years of passing their degree. We recommend you get a job at McDonald’s and save up towards the operation, then after the swap you can go after the jobs. Is it worth it? Of course it is! It’s all in the name of answering questions such as: “Dear agony aunt, I’m worried my dong isn’t massive enough. What do you think of this picture I took of it? Cheers, Dave.” Brings a tear to one’s eye!