After our review of Predator, it was only natural to take a look at some of the film’s epic one liners. We’ve already done “Get to the chopper!” and “If it bleeds, we can kill it“, but what about if you ain’t got time to bleed? Luckily, we have you covered there. Although, seriously, if you are bleeding maybe apply a bandage of some sort, yes? With that crisis averted, let’s see about what if Blain hadn’t had time to do something else.

I ain’t got time to bleed

Here’s the original. When a man ain’t got time to bleed, you know he’s so macho not even death can get in his way. Good on him! Because he certainly does have time to bleed about 30 minutes after the above, as the Predator blasts a massive hole in his torso. Oh dear. That’s usually fatal.

But, on another point, we had a good sit down here at Professional Moron to discuss what “I ain’t got time to bleed” means. As it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. If Blain is stoically dismissing his bleeding, it doesn’t change the fact he’s still going to continue doing so. What if he develops gangrene – ain’t he got time to gangrene? Well, good for you if that’s the case, but after you’re rendered unconscious then you’ll wish you did spend some time looking after yourself. You bozo.

One lacks the necessary scheduling abilities required to create a cessation on the flow of ichor from one’s personage

That’s more like it, from a literary perspective. We ain’t got time for dodgy diction and grammar, Blain. Keep that in mind next time you’re shot.

 I ain’t got time to smoke weed

Probably a professional decision. Smoking drugs in a war zone is an excellent way to lose judgement and end up KIA. It takes a consummate professional to realise this. Which is why no one at Professional Moron has ever been KIA. But, also, when you’re chewing that much bloody tobacco… you really ain’t got time for much else.

I ain’t got time to breed

Well, yeah… not a war zone, you don’t. That’s very odd behaviour. So cut it out. As aforementioned, remaining professional in war is a good idea (at all times).

I ain’t got time to stampede

Stampeding is never a good idea, especially if you’re all wielding machine guns. Dangerous activity right there. Avoid.

I ain’t got time to proofread

Well, it’s just as well you’re not a content writer then, isn’t it, Blain? We should imagine the only proofreading he’s ever done is for a report form detailing how he accidentally blew something up.

I ain’t got time to nosebleed

Not strictly true, as Blain’s enormous moustache would soak up most of the nosebleed. So that would work nicely.

I ain’t got time for indeed

“You’re bleeding” – “Indeed”. That would have made things quite profound, but yeah. There’s no need for poncy language when bullets are whizzing past your skull.

I ain’t got time for a centipede

What about The Human Centipede? We reckon a guy like Blain has the time to sit down about watch body horror. Maybe. Depends how much chewing tobacco he has to get through.

I ain’t got downtime to bleed

True, you don’t have much time off when you’re in the jungle, covered in mud, and escaping a psychotic alien monstrosity. Excellent observation, Blain.

I ain’t got a lifetime to bleed

Well, yeah, you’ll bleed to death within a few hours or days, really, not the length of your average lifetime (70+ years). A fair point, Blain, but not as inspired as your previous observation.

I ain’t got time for tweed

This is a shame, as Blain would really suit rampaging around the jungle in some tweed slacks. Oh well, guess it isn’t happening.

I ain’t got time to read

More praise for Blain’s professionalism here. He deems it unsuitable to stop, mid-pitched battle, and complete another chapter of salacious raunch-fest 50 Shades of Grey. Good on you, man.

I ain’t got time for Apollo Creed

Oh, a subtle dig at Carl Weathers… how mature! Get back to chewing tobacco and gobbing everywhere, soldier!

I ain’t got time for Assassin’s Creed

Damn straight! There’s no time for playing video games on the job. Or, you know, maybe Blain is just more of a Super Mario Kart kind of guy. He looks like he’d pick Bowser, we think.

And finally…

I ain’t got time for swede

What’s wrong with root vegetables, Blain? You do realise the stuff you’re chewing is, essentially, a vegetable. Yeah? You bloody hypocrite.

Addendum: Chewing tobacco

On a final note, if you’re feeling all macho after the last two posts we’ve run, why not consider getting yourself some chewing tobacco? It’ll put some goddamn hair on your goddamn eyebrows, you goddamn bunch of lily-livered cowards. Just check out this guy on YouTube – his confirmation says it all:

As you can see, we had so much belief in this individual we just had to give him a thumbs up. For other macho pursuits, however, you can get up in the morning and endure a cold shower, whip yourself with a belt for no real reason, yodel, grow a moustache (or get a fake one and glue it on), and chew tobacco. Of course. Don’t forget to gob everywhere arbitrarily, too.