Noodles are great. They’re so great we, years back, did an Oodles of Noodles week. We even created the Pot Noodle Sandwich! Well, not created. Just took advantage of. Today we got some vegan buckwheat noodles. Good, huh? Well, then, let’s take a closer look at this stuff that is most definitely not spaghetti.
Why do people call it noodles when it’s so obviously spaghetti?
Don’t start. You don’t want to go down this dark and twisted route.
Why not? It’s a legitimate question.
The truth would shake you to your very core.
What, like when I found out Darth Vader is Luke’s daughter?
What? Father, you idiot. Darth is Luke’s father.
Look, I’m not having this argument again. goddamn star wars know-it-all fans. He clearly says, “Luke, I am your daughter” and then he does a girly giggle to confirm the fact.
That’s not at all what happens. When did you last watch the film?
In May 1980 when the film hit cinemas.
Right. Here’s a suggestion. In the intervening 38 years, we think you may have forgotten a key plot point. Go back and rewatch the film.
Nah, mate, can’t be bothered! Let’s just get on with the noodle questions. such as… do you think you could ever fashion noodles into a wig?
Yes, why not? Kind of like Medusa. But with noodles.
Oh okay, so you’d get turned into stone if you looked at the noodles?
Obviously. And that’s what happens to instant noodles when you buy them. They’ve looked at themselves, so gone all solid. What a terrifying reality for them, huh?
Indeed, I just fouled myself a little bit. Suggestions?
Erm… go into your garden and hose yourself down?
I live in a flat, mate. Suggestions?
Buy a home.
What type of home?
One with a hose out back.
Duly noted. But could I just use the leftover liquid you get with instant noodles?
If you want, but it might just add to the smell. Not alleviate it.
Oh, okay. Can noodles help in the bathroom in any other way?
We’re sure noodles can double up as toilet paper, if you’re really desperate.
Great. I’m taking notes. Anything else? Could I use it in the shower?
What, as a sort of soap substitute? Noodles are, primarily, intended for eating, dear.
Yes, but you said “primarily”, so what about things that aren’t primary? can I use noodles to floss my teeth, for example?
Sure, knock yourself out.
Right… so you can use noodles as a self-defence weapon, then? They seem too mushy to knock anyone out.
Typically a bazooka or sledgehammer is more effective. But, if some hooligans leave you with no alternative, then hurling instant noodles at them may be enough to deter their advances.
Excellent! I’ll keep that in mind the next time there’s a world war. As for the political leanings of noodles, is noodlekind left or right noodle?
Most noodles are neo-noodlists. They have a nominalistic model of noodlism, which is an adapted version of feudalism from Medieval times. But they believe every noodle is responsible for its own nood – personal noodleship, as it were – and they are an autonomous squishy collective predicated over by their God: a kettle. It’s that thing that brings them to life, you see.
So… right noodle, then?
Noodles are considered far right, in human terms, and can often be seen holding violent protests against spaghetti.
Damn. That’s a shame, noodles always seem so peaceful.
They are entirely peaceful. Except for their bloodthirsty war against spaghetti, which has raged for centuries and led to the deaths of 17 trillion bits of noodle and spaghetti.
Huh. Well, that’s sad. Anyway, Where do poodles fit into all of this, then?
The dogs? Poodles invented noodles, obviously, but most poodles prefer to eat dog food.
Poodles invented noodles?
Oh, okay. Have they invented anything else?
Well, this has been a didactic experience. I’d really like to see a poodle playing a bugle whilst I eat some noodles. Can this be arranged?
No. Now, get out of our sight!