Hey! Sick of household chores? [You nod violently until suffering a crick in the neck]. Want to stop doing household chores?! [You try to nod again but that crick recurs, forcing you to wince in pain]. DO YOU WANT A ROBOT TO DO ALL OF YOUR CHORES!? [You nod a final time, triggering severe agony that leads you to scream and then pass out].
Now that you’re conscious again, say hello to Moppy the Setient Mop. Using cutting-edge artificial intelligence (AI), and industry-leading mopping technology, we have the world’s first sentient mop. It’s called Moppy for short, has an IQ of 65, and it’s ready to mop your floors!
Moppy the Sentient Mop
Moppy is made of state of the art mop bits and can mop away over a litre of contaminated floor within 3.5 seconds. But Moppy does much more than that! Moppy can converse openly with its mop user. It encourages them to mop enthusiastically, heaping praise where necessary, but threatening grounds for dismissal if insubordination is evident.
Moppy also monitors the mopper’s performance. Real-time data is fed back to the dynamic Mop Factory Headquarters in Dubai, where a team of mopping experts analyse the power, rhythmic value, passion, and ROI-driven intensity of the mopper’s mopping ability.
So, if your business has a janitor there’s only one way forward! Get Moppy today for only $35,000! Once your cleaner has Moppy the Sentient Mop in their hands, he/she will be able to mop with a newfound vigour. And at the end of each month, you can hold a monthly performance review to see if your janitor is up to the job. You can:
- Point at spreadsheets and graphs that indicate clearly where your janitor failed to clean stuff up.
- Study detailed mopping patterns of your business’ floors to understand which molecules went unmopped.
- Ideate over improved mopping procedures, including the introduction of standardised mopping (where you mop and never stop).
Real-Time Motivational Mop
In plain English, Moppy is a delineation product based on abiogenesis ideation adapted from the anthropic principle model of reductionistic intemperance. So as you can tell, Moppy is quite the character! With its conversational AI abilities, it’ll:
- Offer motivational conversation such as: “Come on, man, put your back into it or you’ll be fired!”, “Only eight more hours of mopping to go!”, “My God, I’m so attracted to you right now!” etc.
- Openly jeer at your janitor if they’re having a bad day (Moppy is big on schadenfreude delight). Examples include: “God, what a worthless job you have, you pathetic bastard!”, “You should have tried harder at school!”, “How does it feel to have a mop with an IQ higher than yours?” etc.
- Get to know your janitor to encourage a positive company culture: “Fancy a pint after work, mate?” etc.
Moppy also ensures you’ll never need a “Wet Floor” sign ever again! It emits a high-pitched wail whilst your janitor mops, warning other employees not to slip over and dash their skull open on the squeaky clean floor.
This wail is interspersed with the following message every 30 seconds: “WET FLOOR! WET FLOOR! WET FLOOR!”. Once a mopping session ends, Moppy emits a shrill bellow of: “MOPPING SESSION HAS COME TO A CLOSE! END STATEMENT!”. Your janitor can then go and perform other duties (more mopping, presumably).