Agony Aunt: “HELP! I married a man… but it turns out it’s an alien!”

Alien
After a pint of beer, anyone would want to marry that.

Marriage is odd. Sometimes you can marry someone, only for you to realise the person is utterly grotesque and you should have consumed fewer cocktails before saying “I do!” Or your better half is insane. Or they want to divorce you, because they idolise Ross from Friends and want to match his separation record. But things can reach an extraterrestrial level like no other.

Alien Marriage

OMG PROFESSIONAL MORON! HELP! My name's Tracey. I got married to this well fit guy last month. We'd met in Ibiza and after a drunken piss up realised we were perfect for each other and got married the next day on the beach. I knew something were up when, instead of saying "I do", he just vomited on the sand. He blamed the hangover... I dunno. 

But as soon as we got to the hotel room he took his "costume" off and it turns out he's a ****ing alien from the planet Zorgunton 300,000 billion light years from Earth! He let out this high-pitched screech and his million strong army of slaves arrived in spaceships and took us back to his planet. Without my consent! 

Now I'm stuck here. The planet is this pink and yellow colour and we're living in a floating globule overlooking the capital city of Zing. My husband has a job as a "ZZZZZZZZPUT". There isn't a direct equivalent on Earth, but it's like if someone made pottery for a living and then used the pottery to start wars with neighbouring planets (pottery is big here - really good pottery makes rivals jealous).

Now he wants babies ("37,000 of them, my darling!") and all this other stuff. But he's gross! He's slimy and has blue colour and this weird cone sticking out of his face. And when he speaks all this gunk flies all over me!

I AM NOT HAPPY!! I didn't agree to any of this! How do I get back to Earth!? HELP! HELP! HEEELLLPPPP!!!

Hello, Tracey. Well, that’s one of our more unusual requests! We would quite like to know how you managed to send us that email. For a moment we thought you were conning us, but we checked your IP address. And, indeed, you are 300,000 billion light years from Earth. Gosh! What’s the weather like?

A Room With a View

Anyway, you are quite right to be upset with your husband. However, you do need to appreciate his planetary customs. They’re different from ours, so it’s probably perfectly normal to just go ahead and do stuff without consent.

You may want to respect this tradition so as not to trigger off an interplanetary war with Zorgunton and Earth. It sounds like they’re far more technologically advanced than we are. If you upset them they may invade the planet. And that’s really the last thing most of us need right now.

Besides which, it’s not like we can go up there in a rocket or something to bring you back. So you may wish to speak with your husband and see if he’s willing to return to Earth with you. After this, you can trigger off divorce proceedings.

Although, again, get his consent for that. We don’t want to wake up one morning to have aliens pointing ray guns at us just because of your stupid drunken mishap. In future, please have a greater sense of personal responsibility.

What You’ve Got

It doesn’t sound so bad up there, Tracey, so perhaps also learn to appreciate what you’ve got. If that means mothering 37,000 children, just look on the positive side. We can’t think of anything to help you there, but maybe down a few cocktails and see what you can muster up!

In the meantime, you’ll need to integrate into your new society. We can suggest you learn the language, respect traditions, and get yourself a job. See if you can become a ZZZZZZZZPUT as well, because it sounds like good fun. All the best!

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