You probably have a tin opener in your home. You’re no doubt aware it opens tins. As you also know, that’s about all it does. You can’t, for example, use your tin opener to scrape the enamel out of the bath, block a leaking faucet, or wash your clothing What a stupid and utter waste of a product the tin opener is. Pathetic.

That’s why we got our heads down and came up with the washing machine tin opener! With this device, you can not only wash your clothes, but you can simultaneously open any stray tins. It’s a modern marvel and one that will make many of your friends swoon in wonder, worship you, and cast off all previous responsibilities to ask for your hand in marriage.

The Washing Machine Tin Opener

It’s your standard washing machine, but with a tin opener attached to one side. The tin opener it welded on for sturdiness measures. And that’s it! But the beauty of the product is you can set it on a deep cleaning three-hour wash cycle. And, when you get hungry during your wait, you can use the machine to open a tin of baked beans (or whatever takes your fancy).

At this point you simply slide the washing machine forward, kneel down, grapple your arms around the wildly shaking and vibrating device, heave with all your might, ignore the sounds of vertebrae cracking and back muscles straining, steady yourself, and try not faint as the blood rushes to your skull.

You must then bellow mightily through the continued exertion, before tipping the washing machine tin opener towards the baked beans tin. You need a good aim and considerable might, but once you’re slammed onto the tin you can reach your right arm around and get the lid off those delicious beans.

Of course, this is all made much more difficult if you’re attempting to open a tin during the spin cycle. It’s highly recommended you wait for a more casual moment in the washing machine’s run. You don’t have to wash any clothes to use the tin opening element, though, but that’s just stupid. Why would you do that? Completely defeats the time-saving purpose of this product! Fool.

Tin Opener Gun

A standard tin opener is about £1. A cheaper model of washing machine is £175. Our washing machine tin opener is £200, due to the additional costs of welding the opener to the top of the washing machine. Seriously, you don’t want that thing coming off when you’re trying to open some spaghetti hoops. The only outcome is carnage.

Due to such high costs, we’ve complemented our deluxe model with the tin opener gun. This is in case you’re poor, or need a gun. Either way, this product is a tin opener and gun all-in-one.

You can ether use the standard tin opener bit to open your tins, or you can shoot the SOB mercilessly until those spaghetti hoops dribble out and spell “Uuurrghhhh…” in some ironic social commentary.