Okay, so we ran a Men Seeking Women 2019 and Women Seeking Men 2019 set of online dating columns of late. All of which brings up that most nauseating of topics: flirting. For some, it comes naturally.

For others, it’s like trying to drink a vat of mushy cement. Luckily, the experts (us!) are on hand to provide you with this hugely insightful, not at all terrifying guide into the world of flirtation.

Our Guide to Flirting

Okay, this is pretty easy then. We just channel our inner Joey from Friends and let’s get on with this right now.

Yo! So, what’s this flirting thing, then?

Hello. Flirting is the act of trying to convince a human female, or human male, you aren’t a loathable turd. The general plan is to inveigle your way into someone’s life to procreate.

Oh, okay. And how do you do that, then?

There are various tactics. Most humans rely on communication to indicate they wish to escalate their relationship with someone beyond mere small talk.

However, and in an ironic twist, small talk is often a flirtatious approach many human males use to begin flirting with a human female. Yet the latter tend to find that approach woeful.

Huh. That’s ironic, isn’t it?

Somewhat, yes.

“Some, what”? Eh?

What?

Eh?!

What are you talking about?

Eh?

What?!

Whatever. So, what’s this small talk, then?

Can you stop using “then” at the end of every sentence, please?

Oh. Okay, the… yes.

Thank you. Small talk is the act of engaging in talk so tiny and meaningless that it forces anyone within earshot into a misanthropic stupor.

So why’s that a good flirting technique?

It isn’t.

So why do guys use it, then?

As they are dumb.

Okay, so is small talk like chat up lines?

Pretty much, yes. The most legendary is, “Get your coat, love, you’ve pulled.”

But What if you don’t have a coat?

Then you’ve not pulled.

Pulled what?

The lever.

What does the lever do?

It activates the advanced stages of flirting.

What are those, then?

Well, it means the human male is allowed to compliment the human female with romantic witticisms such as, “You’re dead fit, babe.”

And chicks dig that, do they?

Some human females respond well to compliments.

What are these “human females”? What’s a non-human female?

One example is the giraffe.

Oh. Are giraffes better than human females?

That’s a subjective consideration.

In what way?

Most human males wouldn’t pursue a non-human female giraffe for a date. The male gaze doesn’t extend that high up, you see, as a species they’re too tall.

Huh. Yeah, giraffes are pretty tall. It’s like they’ve got mega-high heels or something.

Well, the high heels for giraffes market is an untapped one. But then most giraffes prefer frolicking across open plains, not dancing provocatively in cramped nightclubs.

Okay, well so I’m single right now. How do I bag a bird?

Are you interested in human females or non-human female giraffes?

What? Birds, mate.

Okay, what type of birds? Geese, mallards, flamingos…

Not birds, mate… birds!

We just listed some birds.

Birds!

What… like owls? Parrots?

Birds, mate!

As previously indicated, is your female of choice a human female or a non-…

Human females, mate, obviously. I like blondes.

Giraffes are blonde. That might be your type of…

Stop taking the piss! Tell me now! what do I do to get the interest of, like, Miley Cyrus? I like her… in fact, I think I’ve fallen in love with her. She’s the best woman ever!

Have you tried approaching her and asking her out? That’s always a good way to start.

No. I haven’t got a clue where she lives.

Have you tried stalking her on social media? That’s always a good start.

No. Isn’t stalking wrong?

Not if it’s on social media.

Huh. So what do I do?

Well, find her on Facebook and then send her a message like this:

“Hey, babe face, how’s it babe facing? Seen your shows. Dig your tunes. I reckon you is fit. Fancy a date? Come on, I’ll take you to Maccy Ds. xx P.S. I only send dick pics on request.”

And you think that’ll work, mate?

Definitely possibly. Objectively, looking at you right now, you’re a moderately attractive human male of around 28 years of age.

Your paunch is only mildly visible through the… wife-beater vest you’re wearing. Why are you wearing that?! It’s winter and barely above freezing outside.

My wardrobe ain’t dictated by the weather, bro. I Ain’t no slave to sub-zero temperatures. I’m me own man. A warrior. A gangster making me way through da…

Okay, whatever. Anyway, the bad news is Cyrus is dating handsome Hollywood hunk Liam Hemsworth. So you may have to choose someone else.

Oh… well, that’s soul destroying…

You’ll get over it.

I… don’t think I can, mate. I mean… I love that bitch!

Well, you’ll just have to fall in love with some other bitch.

[Sobbing uncontrollably]

Oh, God… do you want some tissues, dear?

[Between sobs] What?! I’m not doing that here in front of you guys… I’m not in the mood, anyway… *sob*

To blow your nose, you imbecile. You’re getting snot all over our carpet!

Why!? Why did she do this to me!?!?

Can you stop spraying mucus everywhere, please? For the love of God, here’s a tissue. Now blow your goddamn nose.

[Blows nose violently – opens tissue to look at mucus contents]

Seriously, who does that?! Were you expecting to find Miley Cyrus in there?

[Sniffle] Do you reckon Amy Adams would date me instead?

Brad Pitt is single. Try him.

Is he a woman?

Erm… yes. Yes, he is.

Okay, I’ll ask him out then. You got his number?

No.

Okay. I’m gonna go now. I’m gonna go home and lie down for a bit first.

Right. Thanks for your… valuable contribution to this riveting episode of FAQs.

Okay, can I get paid now, then?

This isn’t a paid role.

What? You said £100 on the advert.

Yes, we’ve since retracted that statement.

WHAT!? You lying pieces of shit! I’m gonna bust you up good!

[Armed with shotgun] Get out of here now, or we will gun you down with our shotgun until you are dead!

is that a good chat up line to use on a woman?!

Get out of here!

Oh, man, shit just got real! [Man scurries off]

[Accidentally unloads shotgun into the roof] Oh… shit. Office apprentice, that impending repair fee is coming out of your wage!