You might have a dishwasher, washing machine, and tumble dryer. But do you have an implement around to wash your desks? Probably not. You’re no doubt relying on archaic practices to keep your favourite desk clean – gobbing on it and using your sleeve to wipe away the filth and the scum.

Well, foolish person, it’s time to upgrade. You need a desk washer in your life! Our patented machine is suitable for desks of all shapes and sizes (except oblong ones and/or extenders). All you need to do is manually heave your desk into the air and stuff it into your desk washing machine. Within 35 hours, it’s as good as new!

Desk Washing

The product is equipped with all the latest smart device technology. It’s a cutting-edge piece of desk cleaning excellence that isn’t grotesque, but totally statuesque. Here are some of its digital capabilities:

• State-of-the-desk recognition chip. Trying to put a table in? The desk washer will emit a shrill, continuous shriek of: “THAT ISN’T A DESK, YOU ***ING PIECE OF ****ING ****! **** OFF!” Cease and desist post-haste.
• Industry-leading desk inspection AI chip. The computer will scan your desk and rate it out of 10. It will note imperfections and offer conclusions such as: “Suggested obliteration through explosion due to wonky desk leg.”
• Social media sharing options – let all your friends know about how your desks rate in the world of competitive desk comparisons! Snap that perfect selfie and bask in the glory as jealous trolls send you death threats due to your desk maintaining superiority.
• Instant desk health notifications to your smartphone. Sitting at work worried about whether your desk is okay? Our DOKAY AI chip knows whether your desk is fine and dandy, or under attack from marauding lunatics. Receive real-time hourly updates to stay in the know. Including: “Desk is fine” and “DESK ALERT: PANIC! Return home due to desk-related crisis!”
• Also complementing the product is a FREE bazooka if you order TODAY (available until all bazookas run out)!

Once the product has finished its wash, it enters a 30-hour stage of rinse and polish. This ensures the desk is nice and shiny upon completion of the wash cycle. When this is attained, the product wails in a high-pitched bellow: “DESK DONE! DESK DONE!” This doesn’t stop until you turn the machine off.

Priced at a market leading £10,000 the product is affordable for everybody, except for poor people and anyone in prison. Keep an eye out for our award-winning company tagline to bag yourself the device that’ll keep your property clean: “The desk washer is great. Buy it!”

Desk Washing Gun

For those of you too poor or stupid to buy or operate the above, an alternative choice is the desk washing gun. Some of our critics refer to this product as a “hose”, but it’s much more than that!

This water cannon feeds water through the hos… desk washing gun, into your home, and blasts at 150 mph in any direction you aim it (i.e. your desk). Here’s an early beta test customer review from Feefo to verify the excellence of this device:

"The wife turned on the product and was immediately blasted into the air like a rocketship due to the power of the hose. Thrashing around wildly, smacking off walls, and destroying much of our possessions, the water flooded our study profusely causing thousands of pounds worth of damage. And I couldn't control my hysterics. I was later carted off to hospital with a brain haemorrhage. The desk wasn't cleaned a jot, but that's the best laugh I've had in a decade. Cheers! Now, excuse me, the wife and I have 12 months of intensive rehabilitation ahead of us."

The desk washing gun is available for £50 from next month. We also have plans to release a desk washing nuclear warhead, but we first need to acquire uranium from our black market dealers. Watch this radioactive space.