Aliens Seeking Humans: Dating For Universal Conquest & Destruction

Alien and a human
Love at first sight?

After running a few dating columns at the start of 2019, we were abducted by aliens (again). Whilst hurtling through space, they lectured us about how we should have also included an alien dating column for aliens seeking humans.

We apologise for being so remiss. As such, here are a bunch of friendly (ish) alien monstrosities whom you may, and probably should (because they’re packing some impressive laser cannons), go on a date with.

Aliens Seeking Humans

Gurrboz: This being is 10ft tall and communicates through breaking bones, which it achieves with its bare fists. Gurrboz is at least twice as powerful as Arnold Schwarzenegger. The species knows this it has an Arnold Schwarzenegger O’Tron, which measures the Arnold Schwarzenegger strength excellence of all fellow Gurrbozians – Gurrboz is, apparently, quite puny. Most Gurrbozians are at least 100 times as powerful as Schwarzenegger. No wonder the poor sad git needs a dating site.

Slub Slub III: This monster is of the Slub species, genus Slub Slub. Its name is III as Slub Slub III is the third Slub in the entire species of only V. The species can only procreate with human males and that has to take place in an active volcano that’s erupting (there’s no biological requirement for that, it’s just “tradition”).

As such, Slub Slubs are on the endangered species list of aliens. However, with your help you can help keep this fascinating species alive!

III can’t communicate in English, but does have the capacity for movement and only has sporadic psychotic outbursts (during which time it shoots laser beams from its moustache).

Middle-Distance Morb: Morb is from a species that can only communicate through staring into the middle-distance. He resembles a type of dilapidated shed that emits a purple-puss like quality. Morb likes to chat – through the middle-distance – about sheds, wheelbarrows, and cement.

Boat: Boat is a collective species from the planet Boat, and galaxy Boat, from the region of space known as Boat. Ironically, everything looks more like a helicopter out there, but that’s alien species for you. The species said only to us: “Hand us boats for dating, for we is Boat.” Any sailing enthusiasts out there? Get in touch!

Planetary Heels: Heels is a 377,000 mile by 400,000 mile wide orbital moon resembling a pair of high heels. Although “she” claims to be a woman, her gruff male voice suggests otherwise. We asked her if she prefers football or shopping, to which she said: “)(()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(” We couldn’t hear anything for a week after that, so the answer is unclear.

#: It turns out # is from the planet # and is a bit angry that Twitter has overpopularised this icon. As such, this is the message it sent to us (from the planet #, 777 billion light years from Earth):

TELL THOSE PATHETIC MORSELS ON YOUR PATHETIC MORSEL PLANET THAT USE OF THE NON-PATHETIC # IS FORBIDDEN. WE REQUIRE EVERY SINGLE # USING INDIVIDUAL TO STAND STEADY ON THE COUNTRY KNOWN AS BARBADOS AND YOU WILL ALL BE EXTERMINATED IN A HELLISH BLAST OF NUCLEAR #. FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, DO NOT TELL YOUR READERS OF THIS INTENTION. INSTEAD, LET THEM KNOW THAT HOT BABES ARE IN BARBADOS WITH CHEAP BEER AND THEY IS READY TO "PARTUY". FOR YOUR PART IN THESE EFFORTS, WE WILL SPARE PROFESSIONAL MORON (EXCEPT FOR YOUR OFFICE APPRENTICE, WHO WILL DIE IN HIDEOUS AGONY)

Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn: This individual is from the galaxy Constipation and we couldn’t get much information out of them other than grunting and straining. Hmm. Most odd.

Inverse Slipper: “He” is from a planet where slippers are inverted, making it really awkward for three-legged alien people to get around in their homes. “He” asks for a “hot SOB slipper expert” to come to the planet to do “slipper shit”. Although we would suggest approach at your peril, Inverse Slipper shoots laser beams from its slippers and is highly dangerous. Like bad boys/slippers? Here’s a date for you.

Spinoza 3,012: This planet is located directly in the path of Baruch Spinoza’s postulations, which are unfortunately diluted by Justin Bieber’s music (arbitrarily, Spinoza Planet is in the firing line for that, too – what are the odds?!). As such, Spinoza’s philosophy of metaphysics baby, epistemology baby, political philosophy baby, and philosophy of mind baby are heavily interspersed with lyrics from Justin Bieber’s hit single Baby. Spinoza 3,012 is just one of 770,000 other baby spouting Spinozas. Like that idea? Well, this one is single (as opposed to a single).

Beathoven: There’s one individual called Beathoven living on the planet Beethoven. The individual – who identifies as a Slub Slub (even though it isn’t) – is claiming copyright infringements against humanity in the name of Ludwig van Beethoven. In an attempt for sycophancy in Earth-based courts, it wants dates. That’s up to you. Although it shoots laser beams from its beats, so approach with caution.

Rabies: We don’t really trust Rabies. Mainly as Rabies, from the galaxy Scurvy, insists it has nothing to do with rabies. It said:

Look, I'm just an innocent, fun loving, and good looking rabies-ridden monster from the planet scurvy. I swear to the God of Rabies I've not had Rabies since the last time I had scurvy. Ahaha.

And if you’re interested in not contracting scurvy, do let us know.

11 comments

  1. A fabulous line-up at best!
    However, as this is not at best, I’d say you found every looser in the galaxy(ies).
    Nonetheless, I feel very sorry for #. We actually do have something in common, the hate of the Twitter hashtag. Thinking on it all more, it could be fun holding #’s # while watching Barbados go the way of all incendiary devices.
    I suggest you begin your search for a new office apprentice immediately!

    Liked by 1 person

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