Exclusive Invention: The Bookmark Toothbrush Gun

A smiling tooth
Our mascot for the product: Toothy Bastard.

As inventors, we often find ourselves looking at established products and wondering how we can simplify the concept. This isn’t lazy. This is just borderline plagiarism.

The result of our thinking this time is a merger of the bookmark, the tooth scrubber, and dangerous weapons. Why? As sometimes you want to read a book, dislodge spinach from your teeth, and shoot any nearby hoodlums. Indeed. Let’s take a closer look.

The Bookmark Toothbrush Gun

Picture the scene – you’re reading 50 Shades of Grey again when, indeed, that spinach pie you had for lunch is clogging up your gob.

Worse still, an axe-wielding maniac then smashes his (it’s always a man, isn’t it?) way through your living room door. “Holy shitting ****!” You exclaim. “If only I had a bookmark toothbrush gun in this instant!”

Exactly. Because if you were in possession of one, then in an instant you could:

  1. Maintain your position in that most compelling of books.
  2. Dislodge the spinach so that the marauding lunatic doesn’t judge you negatively before attempting to decapitate you.
  3. Shoot the dribbling psychopath dead.
  4. Commence reading that most glorious of books, safe in the knowledge your teeth are free from green bits (although you may be splattered with brain matter from the lunatic’s twitching corpse).

It’s fair to say anyone with any sense of personal safety will want this £100 ($150) product.

Sure, you could just carry around a bazooka with you at all times… but then you can’t use that to clean your teeth now can you, stupid?

How To Use Your Product

Okay, so your bookmark toothbrush gun just arrived in the mail. Your significant other is looking at you funny as you open the box. Upon seeing the contraption they remark, “What the **** is that thing?!” Or, “Why are you wasting our money on this crap again?”

Sneer openly at them for saying this. You can even shoot them – if you want! Although, of course, that’s murder. So maybe skip that bit.

Anyway, the product consists of three elements and resembles a police baton. One end is flat like a bookmark, with the central aspect having brushes for your teeth. Finally, the other end wraps up with the gun.

Our main advice is to not get confused about which bit is where. For instance, if you’re brushing your teeth at night then you don’t want to use the bookmark element. You certainly don’t want to use the gun, either.

For example, if you accidentally blast part of your face off your body and lose your teeth. Then you can’t use the toothbrush part of the product, which would be a waste of your money.

As such, ensure you read our 500-page manual before even picking up the bookmark toothbrush gun. Only then will you be physically and mentally stable enough to commence.


  1. Should I brush side to side, or up and down? I didn’t see that in the manual, which I borrowed form a friend. Unfortunately, his bazooka fired, ripped a piece off of his head and melted his Toothbrush Gun before he could inform me.

    Liked by 1 person

Dispense with some gibberish!

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