Doctor Who is a popular TV series from the BBC. We don’t like it (the show, not the BBC – we don’t mind the latter). Never have done. Probably never will do. Sorry, Doctor Who fans, but it’s our opinion… that is indeed fact because we’re always right about everything.
But it doesn’t mean our idea for a new series – Doctor Whom – couldn’t be any good. Does it? Indeed, we’re willing to bet it’d be bloody amazing! Thusly, enter the world of our concept. There’s a doctor in it, who really bloody loves overusing “whom”.
Whom is a pronoun. Its use occurs instead of the more traditional “who” and acts as the object of a verb or preposition (and for the latter that’s something like, “Whom would you like to marry?”).
Doctor Whom is, therefore, preoccupied with ensuring “whom” receives the correct usage at any given time and place in history. Thus, he travels through space, time, and equilibrium to lecture people from the past – and future – about its correct usage. Hence, he is a bore.
The Doctor uses a time travelling space toilet to get from A to B. It’s powered by quantum mechanics, sawdust, and human waste. To use the contraption, the Doctor must either go for a number one or number two.
As such, during the series he’s constantly drinking gin and eating past-sell-by-date cabbage to facilitate his need to use the teleportation device (or flee danger in an instant). Clever thinking, Doctor!
Over the course of two series – notorious for their disastrous ratings – lead actor Steven Spielberg is left to comment:
"I don't know why I starred as the Doctor, I'm a director. Whomever was casting sure did a bad job. I gave up making a sequel to Jaws for this trash? No wonder this was cancelled after 10 episodes! I'm going to write a strongly worded letter to the screenwriter behind this abomination and it shall begin with, "For whom it may concern..."
If you have a show, you need episodes. That’s how it works. And Doctor Whom had several of those. 10, in fact, as Mr. Spielberg confirms above. Here are the best ones.
- Genghis Whom?: Upon travelling back in time to the Mongol Empire, Doctor Whom finds Genghis Khan and proceeds to give him a bloody good drubbing over his ineffective diction skills. In return, Khan has the good Doctor flayed alive with the rotten corpse a charred enemy. Left for dead in a ditch, Doctor Whom crawls his way back to his teleportation device and takes an aspirin.
- The Whom: Hanging out with the 1960s rock band, the Doctor tries to convince the band to change its name. He’s assaulted with a guitar.
- Whom: In a crazed drunken frenzy, the Doctor attempts to have the 19th century renamed as “Whom” in the history books. This is in honour of himself. Unfortunately, he passes out before his plans can reach fruition.
- Put the toilet seat down: With dodgy cabbage and a litre of gin clogging up his system, Doctor Whom is caught short in the Middle Ages. With double vision, he misses the toilet entirely and hits its generator, which short circuits and plunges existence into a transmundane fit of fifth-dimensional excrement. All in the name of whom!
- Owls: In a raging blackout, the Doctor hangs out with some owls in Papua New Guinea. He tries to convince them not to hoot “Hoooooo!” You guessed it, he wants to change owl language. The bastard! Thankfully, the owls figure he’s a raging imbecile and would never adopt the more pretentious, “Whooooom!” They then peck him to death with their beaks. Series ends.