Several times a year, our esteemed editor (Mr. Wapojif) is abducted by aliens. It’s not always a desirable occurrence for him, but it’s happened so regularly in his life he’s decided to piece together a guide (should you also be abducted by aliens). And here it is (the guide)!

What’s Alien Abduction?

It’s where an extraterrestrial being, slobbering or otherwise, decides to remove you from planet Earth.

That usually occurs by some beam from a spaceship, which zaps you up into the craft in a millisecond before you’re blasting across the universe at over 50mph (space aliens rarely pay heed to conventional speed limits).

Why Does Alien Abduction Happen?

There are many reasons why aliens wish to abduct Homo sapiens. Here’s a list of some of the common explanations:

• Boredom: Some aliens just get a bit bored and want entertainment from a human.
• Lack of choice: Space is big but there aren’t many living beings out there. Out of lack of availability, aliens often have to just turn to Earth as humans are the only ones that are reasonably intelligent.
• Cake: Many aliens just want cake, but can’t bake it due to too much slobbering and/or laser cannon explosions. As such, they turn to humans for assistance.
• Perversion: Let’s face it, those probes aren’t always for scientific purposes.
• Jealousy: Most aliens are gross – slobber, gunk, horrifying appearance. They just want to hang around with a better looking species.
• Misanthropy: But, of course, some aliens just want us annihilated. And by studying us, they can figure out just how to do so.

What Should I Do If I’m Abducted?

It’s recommended you panic insanely for the first few hours/days/weeks/months – alien abduction is often bloody terrifying!

Not least as psychopath lunatic monsters often probe you with razor-sharp implements. You may often wake to find your head grafted onto other things, such as refrigerators and lamps. That can be mildly distressing.

For some reason, aliens will also usually strip you naked and prod at you with things. To prepare for this, you may want to start spending more time wandering around naked. This will make your abduction and sudden nudity less of a surprise.

However, the best course of action is to always remain courteous and polite.

Even if your alien abductors are waving one of your severed limbs around whilst investigating your lateral incisors (after they’ve ripped them clean from your face), thank them profusely and comment on how amazing their species is.

This will help you ingratiate yourself with them, perhaps preserving your existence (and eventual return to Earth).

How Do I Prevent Alien Abduction?

For 99.9% of Homo sapiens reading this, you’re quite safe 99.8% of the time.

However, if you’re concerned about an unexpected encounter with a wildly dangerous new species from the deepest and darkest recesses of space, you can try some of the anti-alien abduction techniques below:

• Stay indoors.
• Avoid sleeping in tents.
• Avoid ambling sporadically in open wildernesses.
• Steer clear of conspiracy theories.
• Probe yourself to save the aliens time, rendering your abduction superfluous.
• Leave a sign outside your home telling the aliens you don’t want to be abducted.
• Contact your local law enforcement to request 24/7 armed security guards to monitor your home and open fire on any UFOs.
• Die (aliens are less interested in dead people).

What Happens If I Really Want To Get Abducted By Aliens, But None Of Them Seem Interested In Me For Some Reason?

Unfortunately, aliens are rather capricious in their abducting schedule. It’s almost impossible to determine when they may strike.

Our recommendation is you get a megaphone and start shouting wildly into the night sky. This might attract the attention of some passing alien spaceships.

Don’t get your hopes up too much, though.

Why Do Aliens Always Slobber So Much?

Don’t be prejudiced, they can’t help it. Simply look the other way if you find it ghastly, or just grit your teeth and put up with it.

After all, you’re a guest on their spaceship and they can disembowel you in an instant if they so wish.

You want to stay in their good books until they grow bored of you and dump you back on Earth.