Looks, looks, looks. Good looking looks are the only looking type of looks that matter these days. You have to be in the “belting” category of aesthetics to land yourself a date off of Tinder. So, how do you go about ensuring you’re “well fit”? That’s what today’s halfwits want to know.

Better Attractive

Yeah, me and the wife got married 10 years ago but I think the ravages of age have started to take their toll. We need to get better attractive again. How do we do that? 

The wife says I need to lose three stone. I told the wife she needs to get A GAG (for all the nagging)! Am I right, fellas!?

Anyway, she's a solid 7/10 these days and not being arrogant but I'm dipping to like a 9/10 having been easily snagging 10/10 until me mid-30s. But there's a bald spot on me head now, the gut is sagging, and nose hair is sprouting like a bastard.

How do we stop the rot?! All that matters is we realise our (potentially misguided) concept of beauty! Thanks, Barry

Hi, Barry. As we all know, looks are all that matter in a relationship. Personality is secondary. And that’s a really distant second – crossing the line minutes later whilst on the verge of collapse, type of thing.

So long as you can sit across the kitchen table each morning and stare at your significant other whilst thinking “She/he is dead hot!” then you’ve succeeded in life.

Unfortunately, due to genetics and the arbitrary nature of opinions, it’s difficult to ensure that happens. As such, your best bet is to try and be attractive to the widest range of people as possible.

Breast Implants For Everyone

With that in mind, we recommend you and your wife start with breast implants. Don’t hold back – the bigger the better. If they’re making it difficult to fit through doorways, then you’re on the right path.

Some of your male friends will, of course, start to find you more attractive after this arrangement. Prepare for this by learning a few well-measured ways of letting them down politely.

For instance, when your best mate Dave says, “Get your coat, mate, you’ve pulled” you can punch him violently in the face in a fit of macho bravado. He’ll get the message after that (if he ever wakes up from the coma).

Face Transplants For Everyone

If you’re panic-stricken your chiselled jawline is on its way out, then you may want to fund a full face transplant.

We suggest you aim for everyone’s favourite heartthrob – Brad Pitt. He’s had that handsome mug for ages. What a selfish man he is! He should share his good fortune around.

As such, we recommend you acquire his face and have it grafted over your own. Assure the Hollywood hunk you’ll only rent it until it until that one starts sagging, too, then you can turn your attentions to Ryan Gosling etc.

Cryopreservation

As a last resort, we suggest you and your wife stick your bodies into your fridge freezer. Or you can go to a proper service that’ll store your bodies away for you.

This option is really only for mindlessly rich tossers who have no concept of what real life is, but it’s still there for you should you want to stoop to desperately pathetic levels of vapidity.

After all, you could awake 1,000 years from now to discover a planet Earth with a population of 77 billion genetically modified heartthrobs.

Then you’d really fit in with your massive breasts and Brad Pitt face.

Should you need any further assistance with your decision making, Barry, we suggest you get really drunk and then make a wildly impulsive, spur of the moment decision. Best of luck!