Okay, so we’ve discussed misophonia in the past. It’s a “rare” (but increasingly common, we’d say) disorder where some sounds provoke EXTREME REACTIONS from the afflicted individual.
An example of this is working in an office and sitting next to someone as they stuff food into their stupid face. Chewing loudly with gob open, finger-smacking, scrunching on bloody apples.
Strike a cord of fear into your soul? You’d better take the test.
Take the test! If the above video makes you want to violently punch someone in the face, then you likely have misophonia.
Either that or you have manners and consider the freak eating like that as a curse on humanity. Especially if they’re in an office environment.
Regardless of how you scored on that test (you don’t receive a certificate if you did well), let’s now consider the role of the humble apple across international multi-billion pound/dollar generating businesses.
Apples at Work
Now, let’s just make it clear we have nothing against apples. They’re very tasty, sweet, edible (usually), and humans like them – in 2017, 83.1 million tonnes were produced.
But if you’re an apple fan and want to eat one at work…
Let’s just say there’s office etiquette to adhere to. Other examples include not drumming your fingers on the desk, listening to music loudly, or picking your nose openly.
Office snack time is a more complex thing. Humans need to eat at work, otherwise they’ll die of starvation. Yet there is a food consumption process to remember.
But if you’re lacking self-awareness all this may seem superfluous; bloody snowflakes busy snowflaking. I’ll eat my bloody apple, thanks!
- Picks up an apple from the desk.
- Bites down ferociously, fruit spittle spraying everywhere to the sound of a loud *crunch*.
- Chews liberally with mouth open, squelching and grunting happily.
- Proceeds to scrunch and grunt through the rest of the apple.
- Throws the core into a bin, licks each finger individually, wipes hand on pants.
- If a total bastard, will then belch exuberantly.
If you’re sitting next to someone who does this then the misophonia is very real. So will be a desire to throttle your colleague by the throat. How does one end such a state of affairs?
Banning Loud Foodstuffs
To be fair to apples, crisps offer an equally irritating sound effect when eating – that’s replete with a simpleton rustling the bag for added insult to auditory injury.
Well, enough is enough. Here at Professional Moron, we’ve instigated a ban on all foodstuffs that could produce so much as a munch. Now we’re calling on the rest of the business world to follow suit – on pain of death!
Foods that we have added to the ban list are:
- Apples (of all varieties, including Golden Delicious).
- Crisps (all species and varieties of potato).
- Soup (i.e. the abolition of slurping).
- Certain vegetables (carrots, iceberg lettuce, raw broccoli, raw onions etc.)
- Fizzy drinks (to avoid belching and/or the sound of a can opening etc.)
- Cereal (especially Rice Krispies).
- Candy (especially Skittles).
Okay, so now your business will also implement the above rules (again, on pain of death – or, at the very least, a public flogging with a moudly old apple).
We’ve created a few disclaimers for you to add to your company policy regarding this. Adapt accordingly to your “company culture” (yadda yadda blah):
- If an employee wishes to consume a banned foodstuff at the workplace, the aforementioned foodstuff must be liquified with a blender or juicer before it arrives at work.
- If a staff member wishes to consume a fizzy drink at the property, the can must be opened before arriving – the drink must also be “flat” so as not to create any undue fizzing noises.
- All snacks and/or lunch food products must be mushy and/or create the utmost limited noises. Smoothies are an excellent example. As are potatoes (not raw).
- Soups are banned due to the abundance of slurping. If you can prove – with a valid degree and/or certificate – you can eat soup without slurping vociferously, you may bring it onto the premises.
- [Insert business name] will not be held responsible in the event of an employee starving to death whilst on the job due to this new legislation.
- Try to be less irritating in general whilst at work.
Enforcing the Ban
Despite your best efforts, you’ll likely find no good SOB maverick employees will endeavour to break your rules.
You’ll soon discover staff starting a black market of underground lunch break treats. This may include apples, crisps, soups (with slurping allowed), and potentially even toffee apples!
Subhuman scum like that deserve the worst of it. Ensure you state in your company handbook that such activities breach your rules and are liable for gross misconduct.
You’ll want to install CCTV into every nook and cranny of your business premises to monitor food consumption. Additionally, hire a security team to keep track of what your staff eats on a daily basis.
Cut down on rule breakers with extreme violence and punitive measures. Establish prison cells to force apple apologists into. And ensure you have guards on hand ready to baton an employee around the skull should they so much as make a noise whilst eating.
That includes if they’re choking. That is still a breach of your regulations – have no pity on the choker. Batter them mercilessly.
Finally, whilst we’re not suggesting your workplace should become like a far right totalitarian state, we still think misophonia warrants the forcible attention it deserves.
If you have afflicted staff members who are able to work unruffled by the sounds of colleagues devouring an apple, then productivity will grow (like an apple tree) through the roof!