As we all know, young love is nauseating to behold. But it’s still required as the human race – the most important species in the world – must continue to overpopulate the planet.
But what about gloves? Well, some people can’t help falling in glove with them. Such as today’s individual, who looks set to marry a pair of woolly mittens she happened upon. How romantic!
The Power of Glove
Dear Professional Moron. I know I'm supposed to fall in love with a man. Tall, dark, and handsome, with long flowing hair and buttocks of steel. A doctor, perhaps. No, a brain surgeon! A brilliant brain surgeon with a vast fortune, a cheese business side-hustle, and long flowing hair down to his ankles. A brain surgeon called Brian. Brainy Brian. As I've been unable to find that specific man of my dreams, I instead fell in love with a rather fetching pair of embroidered mittens I came across. They're glovely! I spend almost every waking minute around them and we get on really well, they never answer back or make leering sexual remarks at me or anything. Wonderful! All I can do is spend time with the mittens. Even when I sleep, I stuff them into my mouth so they won't fall off the bed... Have I fallen in glove? Should we tie the knot? Will society accept us?! Yours, Barbara
Hi there, Barabara! Sounds like you’ve got objectophilia, which is a legitimate condition where a person falls in love with an inanimate object (e.g. a pillow, sledgehammer, or potato).
We did that once, but then it turned out to be a walrus slumbering. Upon awaking, the beast charged us and we were flattened. Then it all turned out to be a dream – a nightmare, if you will.
Thankfully, there are drugs available to shake you out of your glove-based nightmare. Cocaine and heroin are fantastic options that are readily available through illegal drug dealers.
Whilst we don’t condemn your love object of choice, you can rest assured the rest of society will.
The modern world just isn’t ready to see you waltzing down the street performing public displays of affection (PDAs) with your mittens. Indeed, in many countries (such as England) breaching such a law is punishable by punishment.
Just last week we saw a man of but 25 pelted with rotten eggs in the stocks. His crime? Telling his mates he “really loves” his new trainers. For shame!
Then there was the noted case of a 39 year old shelf stacker in Bolton, Greater Manchester, who fell in love with the shelves. The supermarket where she worked sued her for breach of contract. She’s now in jail serving a 30 year sentence.
As such, we recommend you keep your glove private. Furtive glances and flirtatious winks in public? Perform them at your own risk.
Then maybe – one day in the not too distant future – society will wake up and realise the glove is real.