When you live with a man, other than the foul stench and stubble shavings everywhere, there’s one issue that’ll haunt your very existence: the toilet seat. In that it’ll always be up.

As today’s human female confirms, it drives women crazy. But how do you ensure it never, ever happens? As men, we think we know a thing or two about this one!

Toilet Seats

Hello. I'm at my wits' end. The toilet... its seat is always up. My husband is a rotten scoundrel. For 30 years he's done this! I'm at my wits' end. So much so I've written this brief poem about my dilemma. Please read this in total silence to understand my inner torment:

Every time my husband uses the loo,
He does a really, really enormous poo, 
Yet, perchance, does he use the bog brush? 
Whilst he hits the switch to flush?
Alas, no, he just leaves the bathroom,
Without washing his hands or putting down the seat,
HE REALLY IS A TOTAL ****!!! 

I've called it, "That F***ing Goddamn F***ing Useless Man!!!!!"

My good friend, Deirdre, read it and she said I come across quite angry in the poem. I don't think I come across as angry at all. Well... it's unlike me to use profanity, but I did drop a lightly buttered crumpet yesterday and shrieked a "Oh, fiddlesticks!" in annoyance. 

Anyway, I'm turning to you for advice. How do I stop him from leaving the toilet seat up? I'm afraid if this issue isn't addressed post haste... I shall have to divorce him!!

With much concern, Penelope

Hello, Penelope. Don’t worry. You’re in safe hands now, the Professional Moron team has a combined total of 140 years’ experience using the toilet.

As an all male office with feministic leanings, we try our darndest to live up to toiletry expectations. As such, our office policy (as violently instigated and monitored by our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif) is this: always put the toilet seat down.

Should anyone fail to adhere to this policy, Mr. Wapojif stomps violently on their right foot. Repeated instances can lead to a painful fracture.

Gimme, Gimme, Gimme, A Man Who Puts The Toilet Seat Down

It’s important to understand toilets aren’t confusing. Stress that point with your husband – we really think you should be open and honest about his disgusting habits.

The real solution here is to strike fear into his very soul. Make it perfectly clear that if he continues to not put the toilet seat down, his life is in danger. You can start by pinning the following note to the underside of the toilet seat:

Husband: Put the toilet seat down when you are complete. Otherwise, watch your back. I am gunning for you, mother f***er!

He may choose to not take that threat seriously, which can trigger off the next phase of your mission.

You should setup a motion detector automatic machine gun in your bathroom. Have it aiming at the toilet. Reverse engineer the device so that it’ll fire should it fail to detect the toilet seat returning to its horizontal position.

As such, the next time your husband goes to empty his bladder he has two options:

1. Fearfully return the seat to its intended position so he can live another day.
2. Have his entrails splattered across your bathroom due to his thoughtless behaviour.

It may seem like an extreme action, but you’re living on your instincts here. You need to live by the mantra: Pee or die.

Do you really want to spend your retirement years staring at a toilet seat that’s vertical, insulting your very igeological existence? Exactly. Order that gun immediately, Penelope, and make your toiletry existence harmonious.