It’s the Canadian Grand Prix this weekend in Montreal, so we’re in a sporty mood. A great track. A great city. A great reminder of French-Canadian genius driver Gilles Villeneuve – what more could you want?

Well, as it turns out, you could want some sporting haikus from a website run by a bunch of goddamn halfwits. Hurray!

Boxing

Punching this guy in the face.

His jaw is off and on the floor.

Going to go home and have beans on toast.

∞

Golf

Swinging this stick really hard.

I keep missing the ****ing ball!

Now I have a hernia… **** golf! **** it!

∞

Go-karting

Driving this thing really, really fast.

I feel like a mobile gymnast.

A wheel came off and I’m upside down in a ditch and dead.

∞

Tennis for Women

Why is it that I must wear a short skirt?

I am really not that much of a flirt.

I just hit balls for a living.

∞

Tennis for Men

Jesus Christ this game makes me sweat.

I have really terrible BO.

Plus a bad case of tennis elbow.

∞

Football

We’re playing a game in the park.

I just kicked the ball dead hard, me.

It hit an old man in the face and he’s over. Lol.

∞

Rugby

I don’t know why I play this game.

It’s made my right leg rather lame.

Because big mean guys keep stomping on it.

∞

American Football

This sport is so boring.

I’d rather listen to Herman Goering.

That would be reassuring (in obscure, morally correct circumstances).

∞

Ice Hockey

Skating around on all that ice.

I feel like some terrified hair lice.

But I’m now bald as I’m down and someone just skated over my skull.

∞

Tennis for Giraffes

This species really should not play this sport.

They all look like total dorks.

Basketball would be far more suitable.

∞

Basketball

Get the ball in the basket.

Just try not to end up in a casket.

That would be one really serious foul.

∞

Curling

Go ahead and curl one out.

But, seriously, you don’t need to pout.

What do you think this is, Beach Volleyball?

∞

Beach Volleyball

Running around with barely anything on.

Pretty sure we’re giving the guys a [smut removed!]

This “sport” is a vanity exercise.

∞

Mountain Climbing

I’m climbing Mount Everest with an ice pick.

Because I’m an overly privileged rich prick.

But I also have frostbite on my dick.

∞

Bicycling

I’m cycling really, really fast.

Whoo-wee, this is a blast.

Primarily as I’m high on PEDs.

∞

Gymnastics

As I twist about in mid-air.

I think about the 1997 Hollywood blockbuster Con Air.

And how life is kind of unfair – I wanted to be a pilot.

∞

Walking

I try to convince my friends this is a competitive sport.

Primarily because I’m really short.

Which is shit for things like rugby.

∞

eSports

I are playing this video game. 

Some people think I are really lame. 

But I have got internet fame (although 235 people sent me death threats on social media today alone).