Following the hideous death (due to blood loss*) of our most recent apprentice, we’re hiring for a replacement.
Do you think you’ve got the personality to endure 17 hour days facing an onslaught of emotional and physical abuse for a poverty wage?
If so, you’ll do fine at Professional Moron! We’re one of the world’s most idiotic and award-losing websites.
The Role
Our apprentice occupies many jobs simultaneously, thusly ensuring we don’t have to hire multiple skilled employees when we can just choose one and exploit them maliciously. As such, your common duties will include:
- Pottery making: We need more pottery in the office. It’s your job to become our go-to potter and ideate within the spheres of potteryness. Mr. Wapojif, our esteemed editor, smashes a pot over your skull in a rage? No problem! Once you’ve regained consciousness, you can make another one.
- Ketchup: The office is often running low on condiments, particularly ketchup. You must take ownership of the ketchup. Ensure the office is fully stocked at all times.
- Sandwiches: We like sandwiches here at Professional Moron, but we’re always running out of sand. Go and get us some!
- Marketing: It’s our mission to infect at least one person a day with our propaganda. Get out into Manchester and brainwash the masses with naked demonstrations and chainsaw revving contests.
- Gangrene: Do you have this? If not, go out there and find us some.
- Competence: No, we’re looking for incomptence. Incontinence is also considered an attribute.
Ultimately, we want a young no getter. Someone who is obedient and stupid enough to realise we’re better than you are. In return, you’ll get a free sandwich on Fridays.
Skills You’ll Need
A lackey who’s obedient, a bit dimwitted, and totally happy with becoming an expendable eyesore. But also:
- Ability to withstand the sight of copious vomit. There will be a lot of it. Tuesday is Vomit Day here.
- Do you like chainsaws? So do we! Get yourself used to these fantastic devices. They’re grrrrriveous bodily harm instruments. Not that we use them for that, ever.
- Stupidity. A must. Just, you know, be a bit thick. You’ll do well here.
Why Work For Professional Moron?
Gosh, where do you even start!? Located in the beating poverty-stricken end of Manchester, where crime is rife and we recommend you always carry a knife, you’ll probably like working for us. Maybe.
Whilst we’re here to exploit your very being in that soul crushing way only modern capitalism (the hope and wonder that provides a select lucky few with good results) can achieve… what? Oh yeah. Here’s why you should work for us:
- Free fruit Wednesday. Like fruit? Well, we’ve got bargain bin, pesticide heavy stuff you’ll just love. Until it gives you a terminal disease.
- Chainsaws: We have them!
- Experience: Explain to your next employer why you have severe PTSD and clinical depression. It shows you’ve lived!
- Wombats: Like these beasts? We ain’t got none here!
Ultimately, we’re a fun loving office that doesn’t place bouts of regular disease-ridden pestilence ahead of a good profit margin.
Business is business. Money is all that matters. Money makes you a success! And it doesn’t matter how much of a vile bastard that turns you into in the process. *ahem*
∝
This is freakin awesome! 🤣🤣😂
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Will you be applying?
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I’m not sure if I’m qualified as much as I’d love to!
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If you’re overqualified that’s a problem, otherwise your lack of qualifications if a qualification itself.
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The opportunity of a lifetime! Dreams do come true. My resume is on its way.
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Thanks, we’ll see if you’re a decent fit and then be back in due course. If you don’t hear back from us within a fortnight, it means we hate you.
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Do let me know. Don’t blow a good thing! I am good with weed whackers as well as chain saws.
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You’re welcome to write a guest post for us, but otherwise we don’t hire Americans. Commuting difficulties, you see. Plus you wouldn’t be able to understand our British accents.
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Discrimination! I was a testing PM to see if any bias was going on there….whoa.
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Look, woman, it’s only discrimination if you’re in the same country. Which is why I didn’t say nuffink bad about Americans whilst I was in America. As soon as I got out… blasphemy overload.
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Our favorite pass time is dissing our fellow Americans and we have plenty to diss about! It’s no longer frowned on.
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Then you’ll have no issue with one random English dude. EH!?
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Well, I didn’t say that. We don’t discriminate with our dissing.
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Under the Equality Act 2010 here, I have to respect you to the extent the law allows. And that means I can’t rev my chainsaw at you.
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Does that mean I get the job?
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Sure. But with zero pay. You can write a guest post for us. We’ll write one back – a serious one. Charge $1,000. Or free. Up to you. I wanted to write a guest post there anyway to try out one’s serious chops. As you can tell from today’s Bodily Functions Haikus, we’re all about the maturity.
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Would you like some Haiku’s….for real? Not about bodily functions though.
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Oh for real, sure. I think a collaboration works fine. You read my owls one. I do serious from time to time. My novel is super serious! Professional Moron is about as serious as a sandwich. A really nice sandwich, with houmous and tomatoes…
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You are pulling my leg now! Let me know when you feel like collaborating…a small fee will be invoiced to you.
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Yes. It be on. Seriously, is this unusual? I suppose so with Professional Moron there. I’m not 2 stupid tho. Duuuuh!
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You’ve never had a guest post at PM! That’s frightening.
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I’ve had many offers. There’s a thing called RESPEK I need to live up twhhne a *duuuuhhhh* etc.
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I get it. You’re chicken. Bok.
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I am no chicken. I am more of a hamster.
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They should have NO problem filling the position! I could recommend a half dozen candidates, but they are all Canadians. Oh well!
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Dudley do right?
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AHHHH hahahahahaha! He will try vey hard! Of course he is a Canadian, so again, OOL!
Did you know we have a Chainsaw Carving contest in Canada.
“Chainsaws will be revving in Saskatchewan this weekend as competitors gear up for the first ever Manitou Maple Madness Chainsaw Carving Competition.”
It’s a wonderful thing and I told Mr. Wapojif all about it!
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Hahaha! So funny. I hope no one gets hurt. They are perfect for PM’s job opening.
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I’m hoping Arnold Schwarzenegger applies.
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I sense you’re not taking this seriously. It’s ESSENTIAL we get a new office apprentice. Who else are we going to hurl unfounded verbal abuse at!? The walls!? Nonsense!
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Uh?
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I think you Resa and House of Heart should apply and have a sort of wit-off. Whoever’s the best wit gets the job! Starting wage $300 p/a.
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A whit off? Ya Right! $300.00 p/f/u
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Pfu? Pure… filly? Uh.
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Huh!
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What a dream job! You’ll have the position filled in no time. Perhaps you can add Chainsaw carving contests to revving day. We have them in Canada.
“Chainsaws will be revving in Saskatchewan this weekend as competitors gear up for the first ever Manitou Maple Madness Chainsaw Carving Competition.”
It’s true and I know this is coming to you as VERY exciting news!
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Are you going to apply?
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Get Real!!!
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Oh okay, we’re too good for you, is that it?
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Yes….. 🤥
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I can and WILL wet my pants on demand. Please to hire. I accept cash and check.
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Okay, we’ll schedule you in for an interview. You must be here for 1pm BST on Tuesday. Appreciate it’s a longhaul flight from America, but we’re a progressive office… just not forwardthinking enough to use Skype.
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