Hello. It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday. Fun, fun, fun, fun, looking forward to the apocalypse. That’s a verbatim quote from the Rebecca Black classic Friday.

Anyway, crap “music” aside, we’re taking a good hard, long, focused look at facts today. Why? They’re important. Without facts, you are factless. That is bad.

So, bone up on these precious 50 facts to slake the desires of fact people (i.e. historians, chainsaws, mathematicians, chemical waste etc.)

1. The Moon isn’t a star.
2. Earth isn’t just made of earth, there’s water on it as well.
3. You can have beans on bread as well as beans on toast.
4. Toast wasn’t invented by Franz Tost (F1 team manager of Toro Rosso).
5. Beethoven never owned a shop selling beets.
6. Mozart wasn’t a painter, he did sounds.
7. Arnold Schwarzenegger is from Europe, but isn’t Scottish.
8. Donkeys have never visited the Moon, but they might in future.
9. Is followed by…
10. Sandwiches usually don’t have sand in them, but there’s nothing stopping you from adding some in (other than stringent health and safety food standards to adhere to).
11. If you mutter, it doesn’t mean you’re associated with butter.
12. You can’t read using your nostrils.
13. Vision isn’t possible through your tongue.
14. Freddie Mercury wasn’t from Mercury.
15. Elton John isn’t called John Elton (although somebody probably is).
16. The Queen of England isn’t a King, but sort of is.
17. If you go swimming you’ll probably get wet.
18. Snow is frozen rain, not cloud dandruff.
19. A sneeze isn’t a cough.
20. A cough isn’t a brain aneurysm.
21. Cake is nice.
22. Game of Thrones season 8 wasn’t that bad, really, come off it.
23. The Last Jedi was decent enough, too.
24. Death isn’t inevitable if you were never born.
25. Plastic surgery doesn’t pollute the environment with plastic.
26. Cement isn’t concrete.
27. You can drink boiling water, it’s just not very pleasant if you do.
28. Stabbing yourself in the face with a blunt pencil isn’t a good idea.
29. Repeatedly ramming your skull into a toilet bowl is a stupid thing to do.
30. Dogs can’t compose operas.
31. Cats don’t yodel.
32. France is famous for its French people.
33. If you’re German, it’s because you’re not from Barbados.
34. You can insert a pencil up your nose, but it will hurt.
35. If you have hair you aren’t bald.
36. If you have no hair you can buy a wig.
37. Nostril hair isn’t ear hair.
38. If you’re 71 you’re not 72, you’ll only reach the latter age on your birthday. At which point you’re not 73, but 72 still.
39. T-shirts aren’t made out of tea.
40. If you break your arm it hurts.
41. If you remove your brain from your skull that’s dangerous.
42. Eyeball soup is a thing, but sourcing eyeballs is tough work as few humans will ever agree to participate.
43. A keyboard is not useful as a battering ram.
44. Erm… what?
45. Are you still reading at this point? Halfwit.
46. Yeah. Stuff is real. That’s a fact.
47. Climate change is disputed only by cretins.
48. We’re getting bored with this list.
49. Okay, let’s call it a day. At least we covered all 50 points, as previously indicated. It’s important for us to maintain our integrity.