Forrest Gump was a man also called Tom Hanks. The 1994 film was a multiple Oscar-winner, although in hindsight… it’s not exactly amazing. We mean, Shawshank Redemption totally deserved the best film win for that year, no?

Anyway, that’s all history. But what isn’t history is Tom Hank’s legendary line. Everyone loves Hanks. He’s charming, a born entertainer, and a lovely bloke. But what if someone had provided him with some better logic?

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

The original. Many people have since picked this logic apart as specious reasoning. For instance, you tend to get a handy card with boxes of chocolates indicating the choice available.

Also, you can usually tell from the box artwork what’s going to be inside. Also, you know that within the box of chocolates there will be chocolates. It’s really not that much of a surprise. You totally do know what you’re gonna get.

Also, if you eat too many chocolates you’ll likely die of heart failure. Again indicating you do know what you’re gonna get – death. So, not good logic there, Mrs. Gump.

Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. As you do you know what you’re gonna get (with a box of chocolates). Unlike with life, which is largely capricious.

Based on the above assessment, we believe this to be more accurate as a piece of logic. Hollywood should digitally edit the film and insert this new version, preferably with Tom Hanks doing his Woody voice from the Toy Story films.

Life is like a box of boxes. You never know what you’re gonna get in the box.

Again, we think this makes more sense. We also consider it an intertextual and knowing nod to the end of the 1995 film Seven, starring Brad Pitt (ultra-hunky man bloke thing with hair) and Morgan Freeman (the voice of many legends).

Life is like a box of vomit. You never know what you’re gonna get.

That’s true as it depends entirely on what the vomiter ate before evacuating their stomach contents. As such, the box could be full of all sorts of wonders – bits of carrot, sweetcorn, bile etc.

Life is like a box of omelets. You know what you’re gonna get.

Indeed. Omelets. Many of them. A box could hold… what? 100 omelets? 200? Surely seem idiot has tried this out as a YouTube viral experiment somewhere?

It does, of course, remain relative – in terms of the box size. For instance, if the box is really big then it could potentially hold 500 of the things. A smaller boxer wouldn’t have the capacity to match such requirements.

But, for certain, you can guarantee most boxes can hold at least one omelet. There’s something thoroughly reassuring about that fact.

Afterlife is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

No. This isn’t exactly Nietzsche, is it? It’s the same specious reasoning, Gump, you halfwit! Life after death isn’t at all like of box of chocolates. FFS.

Wildlife is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

We agree with this to some extent. Indeed, wildlife is sporadic and capricious – much like life. But animals aren’t like chocolates. Except for dung beetles, which could be mistaken for, say, a chocolate eclair.

But otherwise no one is going to think a great white shark is like a box of Cadburys, are they? No, they’re going to go, “That isn’t a box of delicious Cadburys chocolates. It’s a very dangerous looking animal and I am not going anywhere near it.”

Fife is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

Fife is a county in Scotland. It isn’t a box of chocolates. You idiot, Gump.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know if you’re going to Tibet.

Is that supposed to be some sort of surrealist non-sequitur, Gump? Stay away from abstract comedy, man. Slapstick is your arena, you lovable buffoon.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know if you’re going to be Marie Antoinette.

Only Marie Antoinette was Maria Antoinette. And she’s classified as deceased – for many centuries. No one else will ever be Marie Antoinette, even if they happen to resemble her by chance.

It’s debatable if she ever said, “Let them eat cake.” But she didn’t say, “Let them eat chocolates either.”

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know if you’re gonna get vinaigrette.

Gump – I can assure you that won’t be in a box of chocolates.

Life is like a detox off chocolates. You know what you’re gonna get.

Indeed. A failed diet.

And finally…

Life is like a box of chocolates. You know what you’re gonna get.

Let’s just make this logic out for what it is – stupid. If life was like a box of chocolates, it’d be a morbidly obese and sweaty thing with a handy card telling you what exactly to expect. And that would be stupid.