Husbands can be useful for various things. For example, if you need some shelves going up he can call for a DIY expert to turn up with a hammer.

But husbands can also be bad at certain things. In time, complacency can set in. And that leads to things such as choosing not to hear what a human female is saying to them.

Selective

Hello. My husband is a good man, but I must say that after five years of marriage he's lapsing into irritating habits that I find irrating, as they irritate me. 

Whenever I speak to him after a day of work, for example... he doesn't seem to be really there. Like he's taken a leave of absence from his former charming self. Here are some conversational examples:

1 - "Hi, honey, how was your day?" - "WHAT?! No, I'm not turning gay!"
2 - "Honey, what would you like for tea?" - "You've... been spying on me while I pee?!"
3 - "Oh wow, I had a very bad day..." - "Will you stop calling me gay!? I'm straight, for God's sake!!"
4 - "Heya! Should we get a takeaway?" - "For the last time, I'm not taking out anyone who's gay!"
5 - "The toilet's clogged again. Can you call the plumber?" - "Why would I be dating the local drummer?"
6 - "Oh, shoot, I left my purse in the car!" - "Huh? No, I've never been chatted up in a bar. *ahem* Not by a man, anyway... loads of women have, of course!"
7 - "Darling, can you go and get some milk from the shop?" - "No, I'm going to a gay club tomorrow and need the spare change. I'll go on Thursday."

As you can see, he's being a difficult so-and-so. Any recommendations to get his mind back on track (i.e. on me)? Yours, Gertrude

Hi, Gertrude. Unfortunately, we’re getting a slight hint from your husband’s responses that he may be dating a younger woman.

Why do we suspect that? Well, all those references to being “gay” suggest he’s overly happy. That’s unusual for a married man. And it can only mean he’s been stalking younger women – “birds”, as geezas put it.

If you want to stop that you could always try hobbling him. Like in that 1990 film Misery. Whack his ankles with a sledgehammer – his dating days are over! But if you want a different route, read on.

Now Hear This

First off, check to make sure your husband isn’t going deaf. Take a good long look down his ear holes for that – use a GoPro Camera to get a good look right in there.

If he’s playing up about that and being a precious snowflake, then do like in the 1993 film Reservoir Dogs and strap him to a chair. You can play the music if you want, but whatever, just lop his ear off.

If that determines he’s definitely not losing his hearing, then it’s time to psychotically confront all the women under 30 in your neighbourhood.

Selective Beatings

Now be aware at this point that battering up people on an arbitrary basis is generally considered by most law enforcements as “assault”.

Whether you disagree with this or not is irrelevant. The law is the law (even if it’s more of a flaw than meaningful legislation).

If you don’t give a damn about that, then grab your nearest weapon of choice (e.g. samurai sword, chainsaw, bazooka, empty wine bottle, tub of French fancies etc.) and rush forth into the street.

Should you know your neighbourhood well then just head over to each house containing a human female, batter the front door down, scream hysterically, and smash the place up a bit.

Do that to every house in sight until you’re arrested, shot, or abducted by aliens (probably about one in a billion, but just in case that does happen practice your sci-fi skills: “Take me to your lip reader.” That’ll help with your husband’s hearing issues).

Of course, the point here is your insane rampage will send your husband an important message – this bitch is crazy, run for your life.

Hmmm… we’re not really sure how that helps your situation, but it’s the best we can think of at the moment. All the best, Gertrude!