Great TV Shows That Never Were: Mud Men (better than Mad Men)

Mud
Some mud, the next hot prospect in the world of business.

Mad Men is a show about marketing. Mud Men is a show about men covered in mud advertising mud. It’s a harsh old world is the mud industry. Brutal.

Competition is high and shifting a bucket of mud is something of an achievement when most consumers mainly want smartphones, games consoles, and cheese.

And that’s what the series takes a look at. Shifting mud in a world that’s not too bothered about owning the stuff.

Mud Men

The legendary belly dancer Albert Einstein once said, “Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.” Well, how does one add value to mud?

That’s the point of this show! You can sell anything so long as you’re stupid enough to ignore all the warning signs of impending failure.

Dave Daveson (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is a mud shop owner in Manchester. His shop assistants are Dave (Michael Fassbender), Dave (Sir Anthony Hopkins), Dave (Nic Cage), Dave (Amy Adams in drag), and Dave (Tom Cruise).

Dave is a popular name in the North of England, hence the proliferation of Davids over the last century.

Daveson, however, finds the fact everyone is called Dave a bit confusing. To make matters worse, his sales are down more than usual – it’s as if nobody wants to buy any mud during the middle of winter.

Bemused, Dave Daveson steels his nerve and conspires to fight back! He quips to the five other Daves, “My business will muddle it’s way to billions!” Dave (Cage) fires back, “Great, will you give us more than a poverty wage after that, then?” And Daveson laughs heartily.

The rest of the series – which endures the worst viewing ratings in primetime televisual history – consists of shenanigans and a will-they-won’t-they romance between Daveson (Schwarzenegger) and Dave (Fassbender). Ultimately, they won’t.

Muddiest Episodes

Here’s a selection of the very best moments from the six episode opening series. Yes, six. In England, it was tradition for have six per season – good old Aunty BBC and its tight budgets.

  • Muddy waters: The city of Manchester is flooded with mud. The residents take out their anger on the mud shop. Luckily, Dave Daveson is also Arnold Schwarzenegger and he can terminate their butts! Until the coppers arrive and arrest him for murder.
  • “Do you sell mud?”: Perhaps inspired by Monty Python (not that many people are), a customer arrives into the mud shop wondering if they sell mud. “Yes!” says Dave (Cage). He then does a triple-multiple-mid-air karate kick, killing the customer instantly. He’s suspended for hindering profit margins.
  • More Mud: Dave Daveson decides there’s not enough mud available in the mud shop. So he orders in 700 tonnes more and has it dumped next to the shop. Locals complain this is an eyesore, which triggers Terminator Mode and Daveson goes on a psychotic rampage with his mud gun.
  • Moody Mud: Daveson has his eyes on local hot stuff Barbara (Sigourney Weaver). She’s a shelf stacker in Tesco. Unfortunately, Daveson is a bit shy… until he triggers Terminator Mode and quips his best ever chat up line, “Don’t get away from me, you bitch, come on a date with me. Lol.” That’s a reference to Aliens. Yes? God, this show is crap.
  • Mudder: This twist episode has a “whodunnit” quality where we wonder who shot the local competitor mud shop proprietor in the brains. Turns out it’s Dave Daveson. There’s the type of writing that gets your show cancelled.

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