Great Films That Never Were: Bladder Runner 2049

Space with lots of stars and planets
Good luck finding a toilet in that lot.

Although we love Blade Runner (RIP the excellent Rutger Hauer), the 2017 sequel bored us rigid with its turgid rumblings. And as our opinion is sacrosanct here at Professional Moron, you may not offer any sort of different opinion on the matter!

Instead, you can read about our remake: Bladder Runner 2049. It’s designed to put your bladder to the test due to its (the film’s, not your bladder) capacious running time of 2049 hours – that’s 85 days. During which time you’re not allowed to go to the toilet. Can you hack it?!

Bladder Runner 2049

The film is set in space. It’s about a spaceship travelling along with its crew to a distant planet 70 billion light years from Earth. The mission is headed up by generic space Captain Dutch Butchness (Arnold Schwarzenegger).

His crew consists of generic dorky space scientists, engineers, and a chef. Unfortunately, the latter is only any good at steaming food. As such everything, even the cornflakes, receive a thorough steaming. The crew is fed up of steamed food.

As such, Captain Butchness must alleviate this situation by stopping at random planets they happen across during their bleak, inexorable passage from A to B.

The hope is to either find:

  • A better chef.
  • Some new food resources (i.e. a deep fat fryer).
  • Space aliens to do battle with to alleviate the chronic boredom of space travel.

Rather than finding any of the above, most planets they come across are uninhabitable nightmares of storm vortexes and radiation. As Captain Butchness puts it, “It’s almost as if this universe wasn’t created for humans…”

As Bladder Runner 2049 plays out, it’s designed to slowly sap at the overconfidence of humanity – undermining it through the total boredom of sitting there getting cramps in your backside.

The film is eventually nominated for no Oscars. On a budget of $500 million, it makes back $300,000 to solidify its reputation as the most disastrous production in history.

The Viewing Experience

Over the course of the film’s 85 day running time, the crew visit 200 planets and find absolutely nothing of interest.

The majority of the film plays out like that bit in Super Mario Bros. on the NES, where Toad tells you the Princess is in another castle.

As the film drags on, cinema-goers are encouraged to place 3D glasses on their stupid faces for a momentary reprieve from the relentless borefom of Bladder Runner 2049.

This will also distract them from the chronic straining of holding in their desire to use the lavatory. Viewers are encouraged to not use the toilet during the film’s 85 day running time, but director Steven Spielberg does acknowledge that may be an unrealistic goal.

As such, the availability of steel buckets in the cinema theatre will allow ticket holders to slop out as and when required in full view of everyone else in the cinema.

Naturally, if you wish to attend this landmark cinematic event you’ll also need to book several months off work.

Whilst this may be easy for unemployable wretches or overly privileged business owners, for most people the request for episodic screenings will be commonplace.

There’s a big fat “no” in response to that. It’s one long 85 day screening or you’re not seeing it at all! Cucumber sandwiches will be supplied thrice daily too ensure no one dies during the viewing experience.

33 comments

    • I just think it was a standalone film, especially without Philip K. Dick’s input they shouldn’t have touched it. But they did… and well, some people really like it. So I’m glad some fans have enjoyed it.

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