Okay, it’s not Friday. It’s Thursday. But we have a problem with the post we intended for today – it was abducted by aliens. As such, we can’t run it.

But it’s summer. In England that means a bunch of citizens more used to rain feel the need to get naked, smell of BO, and perfect the joys of sunburn.

We may not have beaches in Manchester, but we do have Brits in skimpy clothing and a general desire to take advantage of the two months of the year when there’s some sun. Let’s haiku that!

Sunny Weather

The sun, it is out.

Just as well I do not have gout.

Instead, there is a drought.

∞

Heatwave

Oh my god, it is hot.

And I am covered in snot.

On the plus side, I am not a robot.

∞

Going on Holiday

Booking tickets to a far-flung place.

Time to get out of the rat race.

THE PLANE’S ON FIRE AND WE’RE GOING DOWN! TELL MY PET RAT I LO…

∞

Swimming in Speedos at the Beach

Zomg, look at my buffed up bod.

I am one good looking sod.

Urgh… I’m surrounded by a load of cod!

∞

Wearing a Bikini at the Beach

I am so gosh-darned pretty.

I should sing a little ditty.

But I can’t because I have agonising sunburn.

∞

Sweating

The sweat, it doth drip off me like a waterfall.

The stench is like that of a buffalo.

My colleagues, they think I am foul. Bastards.

∞

BO Stench

As I sit beside this man on the bus. 

He really is giving off a mighty guff.

And now my mood is one of a huff. 

∞

Ice Cream Enjoyment

This heat, the joys enhanced with tasty ice cream.

Vanilla flavour, I smile in the sunshine.

Wasp attack, I am stung and on the floor in pain!

∞

The Abundance of Wasps

Every-bloody-where I go.

There is a winged monstrosity in full flow.

A shame I do not have a bow and arrow. 

∞

Overweight Old Men Walking Around In Shorts Like It’s Costa Dorada

Wow, that man is really fat. 

He looks like a massive cow pat.

I am going home to hide in my flat.

∞

Working During a Heatwave

Why the bloody hell am I in the office?

I have some really stupid bosses. 

They better expect some productivty losses. 

∞

Summer Holidays

Oh my God, there are noisy kids everywhere.

And the parents get angry if I glare.

I keep myself sane by quoting Voltaire. 

∞

Looking Forward to Fall

It is autumn.

So I am going to watch Bottom. 

Because it is awesome.

∞

Why We Hate Summer

Too much heat.

Not enough cold.

We do not feel very bold.