This may seem like an immature and pointless topic to cover, but the fear is very real for many office employees.

Why is going to the toilet at work embarrassing? As it is. Why isn’t this topic discussed more openly? As it’s also embarrassing to do that.

As such, office employees of the world are stuck in a cyclical cycle of toilet-based embarrassment. But here at Professional Moron, we’re breaking down bureaucratic boundaries for the good of the world. And lavatories.

Your Toilet Policy

First up, how should businesses approach this matter? It’s essential to understand the qualitative and quantitative nature of your employees taking a whizz, or dump, during working time.

Remember, you can’t deduct money from an employee’s wage whenever they use the toilet. As such, you’ll have to include toilets within your business premises. Failure to do so will result in complaints.

For example, staff members don’t enjoy having to foul themselves on the spot due to your lack of toilets.

So, in your company handbook indicate you’re happy for employees to use the toilet as and when they need to.

But if they use a cubicle for obscene practices and/or a nap they’ll be shot dead on the spot with your company bazooka (if you have one).

Employees and Toilets

It’s important your business doesn’t have more toilets than members of staff. If you do, that’s bad economics.

Although one toilet per employee would be ideal in an ideal world, the reality is you’ll need to have Human Male and Human Female bathrooms with at least one cubicle in there.

A hole in the ground is also optional if you’re pursuing cost-effective/progressive policies. Whatever you choose, it’s important you remind employees to wash their hands after using the toilet.

So stick signs around that indicate all of the horrible viruses and diseases they’ll get if they fail to add soap to hot water with vigorous rubbing.

But above all, your employees are scared of issuing bodily functions around people they normally discuss the weather with.

For example, Charles from marketing likes to talk to Bob from HR in the mornings about how their kids are doing at school. They also laugh about their recent experiences on holiday, as well as how that definitely wasn’t a penalty in the West Ham VS Manchester United game.

What they don’t like talking about is that time Charles knew it was Bob who made that gut-wrenching and embarrassing noise one afternoon in the toilet. This brings us to our next hot topic.

Toilet Anxiety

It’s a sad state of affairs that modern workplace bathrooms create such superfluous stress. But the reality is Dave in accounts may wind up with CEO Jeff in the cubicle next to him.

With horrific timing, Dave walks out of his stall having just landed a behemoth of epic proportions – just as Jeff, too, leaves his cubicle. The CEO only needed to relieve himself after one can of Red Bull too many.

There’s an awkward glance and a muted “Hello…” between the men.

They know what’s just happened. But they can’t convey the embarrassment as the foul stench from Dave’s stall wafts into their nostrils.

Such is the situation across the world on a daily basis. And our solution to this is to implement a ticketing system. This will work as follows:

• Employees arrive to work each day as normal (i.e. exhausted, bored, hungover, stoned, indifferent, eager beaver, tripping etc).
• Your Toilet Administrator (a new role for this, we explain this further below) disseminates numbered tickets to everybody as they arrive.
• The tickets indicate two separate junctures through the working day when a respective employee can use the toilet.
• Toilet Break #1 will be between 9am and 12pm.
• Toilet Break #2 will be between 12:01pm and 5:30pm.

During those breaks, the staff member will have the bathroom entirely to themselves for five minutes. During this time, they’re free to go as crazy as they like.

If they desperately need to use the toilet beyond their designated time, encourage a progressive fouling policy. In short, they can “go” wherever they stand or sit.

Toilet Administrator – Job Spec

This role will go to a suitable candidate. For salary benchmarking purposes, it should pay around £10,000 p/a.

It should provide developmental opportunities into Toilet Master (£15,000 p/a), which means the employee will also be allowed to clean the CEO’s toilet.

Note, this role isn’t for a janitor. You can use the below template to promote your role around online.

*Start template*

Do you want an exciting career in the world of toilets? Then apply TODAY with your CV for our new Toilet Administrator role.

If you like the foul stench of urine and excrement, as well as monitoring colleagues in an unnecessarily micro-managed process, then this is the role of your dreams.

As the official toilet delegate, you will ensure all employees receive a daily ticket indicating the specified times for their visit to the bathroom.

Your daily duties will include, but aren’t limited to:

• Issuing the tickets each morning.
• Monitoring the bathroom entrances via CCTV to ensure the correct individual uses the toilet at their designated time.
• Punishing any rule breakers, such as withdrawing toilet privileges or applying for an employment tribunal through gross misconduct (rules are rules for a reason).
• Mopping up after any accidents.

This role provides training towards a promotion of Toilet Master. This will provide extra duties, a pay rise, and free regular health checks to ensure you’ve not caught any diseases.

The right candidate will have the following experiences and skill set.

• At the very minimum you should be potty trained, but ideally able to use a normal toilet.
• At least 18+ years’ experience using toilets.
• Experience with chemical grade bleach is preferable, but not essential.
• A moronically misguided sense of authoritarian superiority, despite the lowly status of your position within our organisation.
•  Ability to use rubber gloves.
• In the event of accidents, can clear up effluence without vomiting (which could upset our other, more important employees).

If this sounds like you, forward your CV to us immediately. Please note, due to the high number of applications if you have not heard from us within a decade your application is unsuccessful.

*End template*