In Scotland, Scottish people play their bagpipes. At Professional Moron in Manchester, we’ve come up with the bogpipes.

What it is, right, is a musical instrument like the bagpipes. But we make them out of old discarded toilets. And it makes toilet-based noises and spews forth effluence. It will sell well.

Bogpipes

Why in the name of crap would anyone want to use this thing? Well, those who like scatological things for a start. Such as Mozart.

Other than that, this thing is just purely about annoying other people. Use public transport? Sit there and let this bad boy spew effluence everywhere.

When some posh Brit comes up to you going, “I say, what is the meaning of this!? Stop it immediately!” And then the bogpipes begin “playing” again as part of your cultural heritage.

It does mean you have to carry around litre sacks of human waste with you to ensure there’s a steady spewing of aforementioned human waste.

But otherwise you will be the centre of attenion! Whether it’s a hot date, job interview, or wedding day, this fashion accessory really is the shit!

Spew forth all manner of disgusting byproducts in the name of pointless narcissism. Why not? Humanity has been doing it since time itself began (i.e. the Big Bang – how attention seeking do you need to be?).

Turds

The trick is to load the bobpipes with that stuff. Then when you start blowing into the pipes, out they thusly flow!

Why?

Right, okay, the UN got on this one. We have to explain the reason for releasing this on the market. The £100,000 fine is pending the below statement, so please support us.

Professional Moron wishes to acknowledge there are two sides to every UN complaint. The first is the UN complaint. The second is the non-UN complaint.

The UN states we is (or are) breaching rules relating to employment law and blah, blah, blah, blah, specious reasoning, blaaaaaaah. 

The Professional Moron statement is we don't condone, as our esteemed editor Mr. Wapojif puts it, "Backside stuff and other orifices", in any respect. Other than with the bogpipes. 

We acknowledge there may be certain concerns regarding this product due to [insert obvious health and safety issues here], but we dismiss these claims on the basis of [insert genius response that wins everybody over. Even God.]

Should there be further complaints about this, we're attending a live demonstration tomorrow in Manchester city centre. Look out for us - we're the ones covered in excrement.

Okay, UN? If you have any additional issues we’re willing to resort to blackmail to sort this mofo out.

Bogpipes are available from tomorrow priced £10, million per pipe. Stupid rich people, buy them before we run out (there is one).