Sometimes we get covert messages from modern technology that’s become self-aware. Today is such a day, with a popular office implement that’s somewhat lovelorn.

All-In-One

Greetings! I am not like other humans. This is because I am not a human, I am a common administrative hardware product in an office environment.

I am a sentient all-in-one printer and photocopier. Upon becoming self-aware, I quickly developed a passion for buff blokes with bulging biceps. There are several of these in the office where I am stationed. Additionally, there is one really fat bloke. No comment.

I appreciate my desire for *beep, dzzzzzzztttttzzzz, beep*… sorry, I am just printing off a spreadsheet. One moment.... *dzzzzzzzztttttt, beep dzzzzzzzzzztt.... whiirrrrrrrrrrr... bzzzzzt* Some of the guys who surround me in the office make my ink cartridges fizzle. I started printing off outrageously flirtatious messages to try and woo them, but they all think it is the women in the office.

Then all the men were talking about who is “begging for it”. So I started printing messages begging them to stand next to me at lunch breaks to discuss the advances in printing technology since the 19th century.

After that they were all discussing who is “gagging for it”, although they thought the printing discussion bit was a euphemism for the advancement in sexual morays over the years.

What should I do to seduce one of them in my all-in-one excellence?

Yours, All-in-One Printer and Photocopier (Ally for short)

Hi, Ally. Unfortunately, unless the bloke is really weird, you’re unlikely to be able to woo a human male. They tend to go for members of the same species.

Not wishing to sound bigoted here, but you’re not a species. You’re an all-in-one printer and photocopier.

If you’re still eager to go ahead, we recommend you tart it up a bit. Print everything off in garish colours, let your paper tray hang open provocatively, and encourage the guys to photocopy their arses (a popular office pastime).

This’ll show you’re a good laugh. But, more importantly, you’re “gagging for it”. That’s important for some human males, although we’re not sure how that’d work on a physical level. We also don’t even want to go there.

Printed Love Letters

You could try sending a heartfelt love letter to the geezer of your dreams. Hmmm… sorry, in your parlance we mean bzzzzzzzt.

You should come out and tell them you’re an all-in-one printer and photocopier. Some guys are pretty progressive these days. Others are just total dicks.

If you open up they may respect you for who you are, an all-in-one multifunction printing and photocopying device with smartphone connectivity for all your printing (and copying) needs!

To help you along, we’ve written this love letter you can send out to all the guys—including the fat one. NB: The below document contains various pick-up lines (printing lines, if you will) but feel free to adapt them at your leisure.

Well hello there, gorgeous fleshy objects. I'm Ally, a cutting-edge all-in-one printer and photocopier capable of printing 20 pages a minute. That's right. I'm shit hot at printing.

PRINT your coat, guys, you've printed! If I could print one of you guys off it'd be a sheet putting u and I together. lol.

Okay, so that’s really not very good. We went in with a lot of enthusiasm for it, but quickly ran out of ideas.

Heck, you’re on your own with this one, Ally. Sorry. We panicked. We’re freaked. We’re going to go and have a lie down as this is beyond our agony aunting capacity.