New year (almost), new dating opportunities await! We’ve opened up Professional Moron to the singles of the world to promote their excellence to fellow humans.
There’s a week ahead of this, so get your romance caps on and romance the heck out of this final week of 2019, heading into 2020 with a reason to hate men even more!
Thusly, take your pick from the following human male specimens of excellence. See one you like? Get in touch—and we’ll put them in touch. And then you decide if you want to keep in touch. Yeah?
Men Seeking Women
SoftboiBoy: Feminist (honest, I’m not bluffing or anything) who scrawls swoon-worthy poetry into his own flesh using a scalpel or utility knife. I may be fucked up, but it’s the price you pay to date a genius. Our offspring shall, indubitably, vis-à-vis splendorous plethora of vapid, grandiloquent ideation, behove the transcendent qualia pertaining to my mind.
DickheadDeirdre: You all right? Me again. Still single. Because I’m a dickhead. For 2020 I’m going all out up for dating men, women… whatever. I’m back out of jail again after I punched this guy in the face for being too polite. Now I want dates so I can vent my anger on everyone for no reason. Sound good? Well it goddamn well isn’t!
Editor’s note: DickheadDeirdre first appeared in our January 2017 online dating column. Despite a catalogue of disastrous dates, she’s still single. Please offer her your support this year by going on a date with her. She’s a dickhead, but she must carry out this function otherwise she’ll have no purpose.
LumberjackShirtLarry: Hello, I’m a lumberjack shirt guy. You know my type. We’re everywhere! Wherever I am, I’m in a lumberjack shirt. Wedding, funeral, romantic dinner, meeting your parents, “naked” in bed, open heart surgery, skydiving, proposing, job interviews—you name it, I’m in my trusty red and black lumberjack shirt. Date me and I’ll show you my extensive lumberjack shirt collection. One of them is even green!
OutOfYourLeagueGuy: Hey, babe. I’m Norman and I’m out of your league. Don’t even try it unless you’re in my league. Which 99.9% of babes aren’t. So when you message me, babe, it better be with something that blows my mind. Been there, done that. I expect to be amazed. Oh, by the way, I live with my mummy and I work as a toilet assistant in one of the biggest clubs in Manchester. I’m going places, babe. You need to be, too.
DadBodDerek: Heya, I’m Derek. Lovely bloke, great fun, good sense of humour, a solid career in engineering, and I have five kids from my last marriage. I need a new woman who likes men with dad bods (i.e. slightly podgy, but able to provide relative financial security). My last wife didn’t and ditched me for a bodybuilder. So I need my next woman to rear my five kids. Cheers.
CementKev: O’reet? I’m Kev, a builder in Burnley. I’m one of them builders you always see covered in flecks of cement lol. But I’m harmless. Just looking for a good woman who thinks Leave Means Leave so we can get them bastard foreigners out of this country. In me spare time I like hoarding pornography and getting pissed at footie matches.
LiberalLee: I’m a far left gentleman who’ll respect your boundaries and suppress the most fundamental carnal desires in order to agree with absolutely everything you say. I once stubbed my toe and announced, “Flipping heck!” Let’s discuss how I punished myself over the next six months over a dinner of raw broccoli and chives.
AilmentAndrew: Hello, I’m Andrew. I’m looking to date a nice woman who has a sympathetic mind. I have various issues that demand your tolerance, such as a constantly runny nose, scurvy (I refuse to eat fresh fruit or veg—mummy said I don’t have to), various maladaptive behavioural disorders, and this one time I almost choked to death from just breathing. My mate Johnny summed me up best, “You’re like a cucumber sandwich on white bread left out in the rain.” If you find that look attractive, let me know.
IntenseRussianLiteratureMan: I read nothing but the weightiest Russian epics known to humanity, so I’m pretty intense a lot of the time. If we go on a date, expect to be regularly fixed with nihilistic stares, between periods of me crouching in corners deliberating, plus I often break out into Russian folk dance. I take this lifestyle so seriously I now live as a peasant in a field under a mud hut. So, comrade, if you wish for a life of penury and pontification you know that I, Bob, am the man for you.
I’mInABand: Hi, chicks. I’m 30, play the guitar and I’m also lead singer in my band The Dipshits. Our latest single, The Flowers of Bromance, from our album Indigestion, is out now. When I’m not working in the local supermarket stacking shelves, I’m living the rock and roll lifestyle of drinking cheap cider and writing tunes with my boys. We’re gonna take over the world. Join me on this journey.
Really not a lot to choose from, here.
Got any accompli$hed Mu$icians, Lawyer$ or 5 $tar Chef$?
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No, just a bunch of lunatics. I’d go with IntenseRussianLiteratureMan. You get to live in a mud hut!
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Hmm, I suppose that could be good for the skin when it rains.
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I’d stick to… whatever normally helps. Cake?
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Pot cookies!
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Pot Noodle Cookies… a new recipe for 2020! We’d make a good business team.
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Working on the recipe.
Grind up 1 pound Pot Noodles with fake flavouring into a flour like substance.
Take 8 oz cannabis; decarb for 30-40 mins.
Boil a medium size pot of water. (Pot(s) is/are the main theme)
Add 8 oz. butter. Simmer for 3 hours.
Cool, strain through cheesecloth, refrigerate.
Once chilled, add the ground up pot noodles stuff.
Drop onto greased cookie sheets.
Bake at 375 for 15 mins.
Damn! Do not let anyone steal this recipe. We’re onto something here!
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“Gring up 1 pound Pot Noodles” – Sheesh, that’d take all my manly effort in the world. The cannabis and butter would be cool though. I add in marmite for the heck of it.
Marmite, which is banned in Canada I believe. Sheesh.
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Pot Marmite?
Marketing slogan: Spread Pot Marmite on bread. It’s good for the head!
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The good news is there’s a marmite post coming in January 2020! Still amazed Canada banned the stuf… *harumph* It’s a great BRITISH export!
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It’s not banned. Only a few ingredients were.
You can buy it at Walmart and Loblaws.
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I read that it’s banned, which is a direct act of foodstuff war. And that means Montreal-style bagels are now outlawed in Manchester! Bwahahaha! That ruins no ones’ business as that didn’t exist here ever! MWAHAHAHAHA!
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Huh? Montreal bagels with Marmite? I think not!
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Montreal VS Toronto, if you ask me. Bagels at the ready!
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With Marmite?
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Sure! I think at this point a royal rumble between you, me, Rene, and Jim Morrison (plus Elvis) is grand. Gold standard.
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You forgot the flavor packet.
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Resa needs to remember it’s: 1 spoonful of Marmite, 2 spoonfuls of hairy builder sweat, 3 spoonfuls of sheer snuggums. Sorry, I can’t remember what this thread is about. Marmite, clearly.
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Marmite-cannabis , what Else.
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Legal in Canada, don’t you know? Apart from the Marmite bit.
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Legal here in some states. Like Florida and California…marmite? Don’t know about that, sounds risky 😊
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It’s about time you made a new state. Floridafornia. Just a suggestion.
Marmite should be a national dish, I await your finding of some and hosting a press conference about it all.
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I’m going to ck out Whole Foods , they have everything! and they only quadruple the prices. Then a conference, so excited.
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Okay, I like, totally, did a search and it’s a bit unclear. Walmart might import it. Your best bet is to import some, taste it, and then accuse me of being a heathen SOB.
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Order it? I’m going to Walmart online now. You’ve saved the day.
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Good. I expect a detailed report within the month,
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Setting up a Marmite Chart on Excel now.
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Please document the extent of American confusion on this matter in a separate tab.
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I’ve allowed for that. Would you like to be our CFO. We can talk about it.
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UFO? Sure. I like being unidentified.
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You’re hired.
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Florafornia…that sounds obscene. Good thinking.
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I’ve lost track of everything. I just got your email. I need to be in bed and sleeping within 30 minutes. I will press charges if I’m not in bed and sleeping within 40 minutes. Also, yeah, Floraforina would work pretty well!
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Goodnight. 💤😴
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Who?
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The pot noodle flavour packet? You’re absolutely right, here. Of course! And to think i was just going add fake ginger or something like that!
I’m liking the idea of Pot Marmite. We could call it Potmite OR Marmight!
Let’s dump ‘Oron and start our own bakery!
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I think we should call it: “Canada bans Marmite and declares WAR on Professional Moron!”
We’re ready. I have flavoured yoghurt at the ready, madam. Yeah! Shivers down the spine!
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Marmute (spelled wrong on purpose) Yoghurt? I feel ill!
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Look, if you want a fight that’s Piccadilly Gardens in 10 minutes. You, me, fisticuffs. I’ve had enough of this!
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No you haven’t!
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I… yes, I did! I’m a man, I was last right about something three weeks ago. That’s a good hit rate.
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No it isn’t!
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Okay I need to be going to bed now. I blame all of this on North America.
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You’ll see things different in the morning!
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24 hours on and I still disagree.
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Go back to bed!
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No, it’s the weekend. I can stay up until 12.
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Let’s put our heads together when he’s not around and start our own business. MarMight …. yessss!
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Yeah! Oh dear… he’s onto us!
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How did that happen? 😏
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Not sure, but it could have something to do with publicly visible comments….. or marmite in general!
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We’re going to need professional advice on running a Marmite Empire.
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MarMight! I suppose we could hire someone from Australia?
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Let’s put an ad up on Craig’s List.
I amaze myself!
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Look, this is a British product with British might. Any attempts to non-British this will result in a very polite British invasion.
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You know what happened the last time…..it’s not worth it. 😊
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You mean it’s NET worth it, which means the profitable gain is worth it. My employment law skills are good, human female.
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Eww, burn!!’
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Brilliant!
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Problem solving, that’s what I do.
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I thought Trudeau had buttocks of steel? He has the might for this! Although you lot did ban Marmite… as aforementioned… in anger.
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Get over it! In glee!
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I don’t mind Trudeau, that is one impressive backside for a man. Oscar worthy.
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He looks way better in person!
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Tell him I said he STINKS!
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Are you out of your mind? Ah… of course you are.
You stink!!!
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I’m listening to Jefferson Airplane, White Rabbit, I’m pretty sure I am sane and… something.
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White Rabbit!! okay, I love you!
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White Rabbit!!! Lots of love back.
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I’ve put my brain into a basket and I see nothing but North America destroying my Marmite goals. Which, of course, is an outrage. We did have an Empire remember, yeah?
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We could start our own Marmite Empire. I’m sure Resa will let you in for a small fee
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Yeah I’m up for that. America clearly needs a version. What would hit the American nerve? A Marmite bottle emitting the Star Spangled Bladder would be an excellent start for patriotic gloru.
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We are big on glorification, maybe a stars and stripe can.
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I think a bucket with a flag sticking out and flies buzzing around is also profitable.
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Good suggestion ! Psst. Resa, ‘orons out.
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Whom?
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NO.. not Pot Noodle Cookies!
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POT NOODLE COOKIES!
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IKR!
Excitement at its finest.
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Hold on, I want in in the pot cookies. You said…well, implied I could party with the cookies 🍪 Now you’re partying with PM. WTF!
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My comment here is you’re entitled to freedom of speech and I look forward to the ensuing arguments.
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Don’t hold back. I love a good argument… or a bad one.
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Arguments are always good! Online ones. Flame wars. Lolz. So mature.
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I don’t like arguments, I’m just no good at it. I’m better at slapping the stuffings out of a Teddy Bear.
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I avoid arguments at all cost. Except when I’m arguing.
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Have you ever argued with a whirling dervish?
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No. Do you mean Taz? The tasmanian devil?
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Sort of .
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Okay, I get you. Need to do a post on Taz one day. Tax, too. Tax is a thrilling subject.
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I have all kinds of great ideas. Hire me!
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They are all…. interesting… AilmentAndrew is cool because he is not expensive & and doesn’t get in the way of housework, since we don’t have to. It’s very convenient.
But of course, the Russian literature nut is more fun.
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So long as AilmentAndrew pays for all his lemsips then that’s okay. But the overly intense Russian literature guy is my type. The mud hut is very tempting. Always wanted to live in one of those.
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And by playing Russian novelist, it’s a double whammy… 🙂
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Da.
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