If you’re married to a human male or a human female, anniversaries are a time to celebrate. Or fear. One or the other, whatever floats your boat really.
Such as today’s human female, who can’t quite comprehend why her husband bought her a certain gift.
Romance Killer
Hi? I'm writing this in floods of tears and hysterics (plus I'm pretty drunk on Lambrini). Last week was my second wedding aniversary with my husband Barry (or Bozzer as he wants the family to call him). Last year he showered me with gifts, such as a bottle of bubbly, a bucket of flowers [Editor: We think she means "bouquet" *smug grin*], a box of chocolates, and a trip to the seaside in Blackpool. This year? It's a four-litre tub of glyphosate weedkiller. I unwrapped it and sat there staring at it confused. Then Bozzer went, "What, babe? What's wrong?!" And I went, "Babe... it's weedkiller." And he went, "I know! Great, innit?" I stared at him funny and he went, "What? Babe, you don't like it?" And I went, "No, I don't bloody well like it! What the bloody hell do I want with some bloody weedkiller?! What are you trying to say to me?!" And he went, "Babe, it's romantic." And I went, "Bozzer, how is it 'romantic'?" And he went, "Well, the weeds in garden will all be dead. And that's dead more romantic than having weeds in the garden, eh?" And I went, "We don't have a garden, Bozzer!" And he went, "Yeah we do, it's that bit out back, you stupid bitch!" And I went, "That's a ten foot by ten foot slab of concrete!" And he went, "YEAH! WITH SOME WEEDS GROWING OUT OF THEM CRACKS, YOU DAFT COW!!" And I went, "DON'T YOU RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME YOU BASTARD!!!" And then the rest is kind of all a blur. I remember slapping him with my hands and then we had a blazing row ending with me kneeing him in the bollocks. To get my own back I started adding dollops of the weedkiller into his builder's brews and hot pot dinners. But when that made him start vomiting everywhere I reckon I should stop doing that. So I did. But one of his eyes has turned black now and he says he thinks that's because of immigrants and homosexuals "clogging up the air". But... what does that gift mean?! What? What does he take me for!? Weedkiller!? I'm so confused and angry and violent. Help! Cheers, Doreen
Hello, Doreen. We do agree weedkiller isn’t the best gift this “Bozzer” could have purchased for you. We’re more inclined to suggest:
- Chemical grade bleach.
- Sandwiches on white bread with the crusts removed.
- Simplistic cheese to avoid confusion (i.e. cheddar).
- A copy of the Daily Mail.
- A book about the history of rioting in England.
Regardless, it doesn’t mean the weedkiller he’s bought you can’t be put to good effect. Asides from murdering the weeds you mention, the plastic weedkiller tub can be used to:
- Prop open doors.
- Whack your husband around the head.
- Fend off immigrants.
- Fill up your bath for a relaxing soak.
Once your husband has stopped vomiting everywhere, politely remind him you expect a more thoughful gift come 2021.
And with a bit of luck, he’ll get you some paint stripper or something. Or anti-freeze. Or both and a trip to Barbados. Best of luck, Doreen.
I can so relate to Doreen.
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I relate to the weedkiller.
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I firmly believe that all men should. Don’t go bringing it inside either.
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Why have champagne, when one can have weedkiller?
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Nothing quite like a blackout for several days.
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Yes, that’s the thing with weedkiller. It has no morals. Humans drink the stuff? Internal organs, everything, unhappy! What is this sorcery?
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Be sure to stay away from RoundUp! Seriously bad stuff.
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I just Googled that. 20 litres is £155! What a bargain. We have Mr. Muscle here. Check it!
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20 litres and cancer too…what a deal! cking out Mr. muscles,he sounds fun.
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Mr. Muscles is as hot as Big Arnie.
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blah, big ARnie bites.
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Professional Moron says hello.
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Who is big Arnie anyway?
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He ran one of your states for a bit.
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I know who he is, I’m not in to muscles though.
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*Engage mansplain mode* Big Arnie was an important man bloke who governed an American state. He has muscles. Some women dislike muscles. They’re the STUPID ones!!!
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No, I beg to differ. Arnie was so loaded up with steroids for a long time I thought the veins in his neck would burst. He’s not so muscular now.
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*Engage mansplain mode* He’s The Terminator, madam, he needs veins bursting out of his very being. How else would he terminate? With weedkiller? Lol. Ridiculous!
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Ah yes, the terminator. Ok. He was a good Terminator.
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I want to see a Manchester Terminator. Like he goes into the police station for the Greater Manchester Police. Knows Sarah Connor isn’t there: “Y’oreet?” Indeed. Michael Biehn was always very hunky in the real fiilm, eh? And he’s Hicks in Aliens. Factorama.
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Very hunky. He has a restraining order against me.
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Yeah, he’s been a man crush of mine. Also because he’s a great actor. Don’t tell no one though, no? Got to uphold my macho image.
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Don’t try to take him from me. He’s already scared.
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Look, woman, I have my macho issues to deal with. Mr. Bean can clear off. Meanwhile I’m trying to date Blackadder.
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I’ll let you have Blackadder.
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Okay, so you have Michael Biehn. I’ll have the Age of Discovery.
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It’s a deal. I don’t really want Beihn though. Problem.
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Mr. Bean or Mr. Biehn?
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What the hey, I’ll take them both.
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That’d be a good sitcom.
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Visual, laughs out loud.
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This girl has no practical sense
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Exactly! Is there a French weedkiller equivalent?
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Of course ! We too have dirt growing in the corners of the walls.
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Yes, but I want to know the word! I’m going to learn proper French soon. Oui!
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Weedkiller = désherbant ; herbicide
weed = herbe but you can say “weed” in French. Then you’re talking about cannabis . So “weedkiller” can mean in France = cannabis killer, joint killer, savior of the world’s morals.
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Ah, okay. The saviour of the world! But what about that stuff people put on plants they don’t want?
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It’s a “désherbant” – but you must never use it, it’s killing the planet. So you have to use your hands, & a small shovel, or a screwdriver – and extract the plant and its roots. The earth is low in France.
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“So you have to use your hands, & a small shovel, or a screwdriver” – Put the effort in, you mean!? A lot of English people will be angry about that.
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Guess what? Weed killer is banned in Canada. Roundup is allowed on giant commercial farms, but other than that NO WEEDKILLER!
I wonder if it’s connected to the Marmite debacle?
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Huh, it’s banned in France as well. Just not in England. Amazon was recommending it to me for some reason, that’s how I came up with this particular post.
Everything is related to Marmite. Marmite or marmite? I’m going with marmite.
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Okay! Was it invented by a school Marm?
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Maaaaaa’am?
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