Okay, so we’re not married here at Professional Moron. But that doesn’t mean we can’t count ourselves as experts. Why? Because we went to a wedding in 2016. Indeed.

Right, so marriage can be between a man, woman, man and man, woman or woman, and a man or goat (as happened in Romania back in 2011).

But how do you “do” marriage? Well, here’s our essential guide into getting it all right.

Married to the Marriage

For the purposes of this piece, we’re going to pretend to be a woman.

You could suggest it would make more sense for us to pretend to be men (as we are male—apparently), but we don’t see any rational point in that.

So, as a human female, what are the reasons for wanting to do the marriage? We had a think about it. And we feel the following reasons would be enough to induce getting shacked up:

• He’s the man of our dreams.
• He’s loaded.
• All our friends are married so we committed to the first one that came along and, yeah, he’ll do even if he does have a big hairy arse.
• He’s the man of our dreams, he’s loaded, and he doesn’t have a big hairy arse.

Okay, say we lucked out with #4 and our new husband is Mr. Derek Wapojif. He has the following attributes:

• A chiseled jawline sharp enough to break concrete.
• Buttocks of steel.
• $30 million in the bank thanks to his black-market arms dealing business.
• Witty conversation about murdering people who’ve done him over.
• A cocaine habit of passable concern.
• An insufferable superiority complex that we just happen to find charming.

Right, so after 10 years of marriage we’ve got three kids (Charles is our favourite, a straight-A student with a huge wonky nose), a pet dog, a pet cat, and a nice house out in the countryside.

But things are wilting with Derek. He comes home from work and takes out his frustrations on us. He’s stopped using the bog brush. He’s clearly going bald already at 42. And he seems to be suffering from shellshock after accidentally blowing up 130 of his employees.

We also have money problems, in that we can’t buy the $10 million superyacht we’ve dreamed of because the kids’ education is going to cost too much, and our third mansion caught fire last week and needs rebuilding.

Tensions are strained. How do you improve things? And that’s the tricky bit. Professional Moron to the rescue! We’re romance experts.

Romantics Tips for Improving Married Life

Romantic things are important in married life. Whether it’s a candlelit dinner or unclogging the toilet after he returns from a weekend away with the lads, romance facilitates love. And love facilitates shoves (as in, the lack thereof).

• Candlelit dinners: Every. Single. Night. Without fail. Then after 1,000 of these consecutively you’ll be sick of the sight of candles and happy to embrace beans on toast and the latest episode of Love Island around telly.
• Poetry: “Your beauty, doth, splendorous and malodorous in its adequacy!” A great line from Shakespeare there. Use him as much as possible to come across as good at that writing stuff.
• Mouthwash: Use mouthwash liberally in married life. Nothing screams “DIVORCE HIM!!!” faster than a geezer’s early morning hangover breath.
• Mud: Keep a pile of mud in one corner of your living room. This will consistently remind you that you, and your husband/wife, are better looking than mud. So there’s that, at least. Even if he comes home wasted and falls over and vomits in the driveway, you can look at the mud and think, “At least I’m not married to that hunk of guff!”
• Parmesan cheese: Important around the dinner table if you’ve run out of conversation. Awkward silence? “Pass the parmesan please, darling.” As he hands it over to you, get in there with, “You clogged the toilet again last night.”—”No, I didn’t. “—”Erm, yes you did, darling! I could hear you straining away.”—”I… was just doing some push-ups.”—”At 3am in the bathroom, darling? We have an entire gym room for that.”—”I only want to look my best for you, darling!”—”Well, isn’t it funny every time you go and do push-ups the toilet gets clogged! Such a bizarre coincidence, darling!”—”Get off my back, bitch! Without me you’d be living in a ditch!”

So, there you go. We’re all out of ideas. That’s what being a bunch of halfwit bachelors does to you.