How Chainsaws Will Improve Your Company Culture

A chainsaw cutting into a baguette-min
Bob decided to improve on his normal work lunch routine.

If your business is looking to re-engage bored and listless employees, then you may want to shake things up with our free-form company culture concept.

Chainsaw Culture

Whether you have a workforce of 10 or 1,000, keeping those lazy layabouts working hard can be tough.

You’ve tried free fruit on a Wednesday, but staff got bored of that—and now everyone has scurvy. Drat and double drat!

With productivity plunging and stakeholders threatening you with a bludgeoning, you need to get your employees focused.

This is where Chainsaw Tuesdays come in. Without this day, your business will go bankrupt and you’ll end up either dead or in jail. Do you want to be dead or in jail? Exactly.

How it works is simple. Say you have 20 employees for your toilet inspecting company. You need a chainsaw for each one, with petrol costs added in, to fuel the chainsaws for running throughout everyone’s shift.

The Titan TTL758CHN 2000W 230V Electric 40cm chainsaw is on offer right now for £40 a chainsaw. That’s a mere £800—with £100 for fuel, that’s less than £1,000 for a day!

Chainsaw Tuesdays

You should run this every Tuesday of each week (hence Chainsaw Tuesdays). To promote employee awareness, post fliers in and around your business indicating what day it is.

You should also indicate that if anyone refuses to participate in the day will be fired for insubordination.

The day itself is a simple but joyous occasion. Upon arriving into work, the employee must rev up their chainsaw.

They must then proceed to go about their daily duties as normal, but with a revving and bloodthirsty chainsaw inches away at any given moment.

Improvements to your company culture will be instantaneous.

We trial ran Chainsaw Tuesdays at a business in Manchester city centre. Names are changed to protect the identities of those involved.

But otherwise, these were the real-time events we relay to you after the fact:

  • It’s a meeting and line manager Bob is pointing at an impressive graph with his chainsaw. The statistics and whiteboard are obliterated—they cave into a heap on the floor, with splinters spraying all over the unamused CEO.
  • Bob needs to go to the toilet. Bob is anxious about going to the toilet at work. With his chainsaw revving, however, he can rest safe in the knowledge no one can hear anything except for the roar of the 230V engine. Let rip, Bob. Let rip and be proud!
  • Bob needs to wash his hands after his toilet adventure. Unfortunately, his cumbersome chainsaw makes this somewhat difficult. He demolishes the soap dispenser and the hand dryer is cleaved in two! My word. How embarrassing! He reports the damage to the janitor but, forgetting his chainsaw is blasting away, accidentally severs the poor man’s arm. Oopsie!
  • Marketing is hard at work, their chainsaws resting on their desks revving away. Hear that noise? That’s the sound of success (and, later, tinnitus)!
  • Huh, this was an unforeseen outcome. Petrol fumes from the chainsaws clogged the air in the marketing department. The pathetic humans have staggered out into the street to chuck their guts up. On company time! That’s coming out of their salaries.
  • It’s Bob again! He’s worked up the nerve to go and ask the CEO directly for a pay review. Gosh, such drive! Such ambition! Ambling into Mr. McGreedy’s office he reaches out to shake his hand. Sadly, his chainsaw gets in the way, shearing across the boss’ fancy shirt and almost gutting him. Oh, dear! No pay rise for Bob.
  • It’s lunch and Susan wants to stick her ready meal into the microwave. She reaches the fridge, the chainsaw plunging into it and the whole lot goes up in a fireball. There goes everyone’s lunches. Darn!
  • Bob returns from his disastrous salary review. Slumping into his seat, he decides to go and get his pie from the fridge. What’s this?! Blast! The entire kitchen is on fire and Susan is crying hysterically. “My pie!” roars Bob. Revving his chainsaw, he hoists it into the air and charges at Susan. Uh oh, that’s gross misconduct!

After one day, Chainsaw Tuesdays resulted in a slew of firings. The CEO was also partially eviscerated. And loyal employee, Bob, of 20 years is in jail for manslaughter.

Looking to improve your company culture? Get in touch and we’ll get you revved for business hacks, limb loss, and hysterical screaming.

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