March 24, 2020Mr. Wapojif

Self-Isolation: Your Fun & Officially Moronic Survival Kit

Health kit
Indeed.

Okay, the world is in a bit of a weird place right now. Lots of us are self-isolating. Even Elvis has left the building.

It’s day one of self-isolation for us after government orders of a soft lockdown. Once a week we shall leave the flat to ram-raid shops and panic steal foodstuffs.

But for the rest of you folks… what you gonna do? Thank cripes, we’re here to help you all.

Survival Kit

Right, setting the chillaxed tone here thanks to Mr. Mozart. That mediocre talent from a while back. Now we may begin!

If you’re an easily bored extrovert, or just a bit unsure how to handle life indoors, take some advice from some highly introverted morons!

We’re self-isolating experts. So, here are 10 ideas to help you along. Yeah?

  1. Films: Netflix is reducing streaming quality to accommodate for en masse international binge watching. Our film reviews offer hints and tips.
  2. Video games: Ah yes, the games on the video. We have an entire section dedicated to those bad boys: Video Games. If you’ve got a laptop, download Steam for epic indie games. Not got any of that stuff? You’ve only got a smartphone? Well, all you need is Monument Valley II or Alto’s Odyssey.
  3. Blogging: Heck, start a blog on WordPress. It’s free! Get writing about a love in your life—enjoyment awaits.
  4. Juggling: Yeah, all you need are three balls. Got oranges? Go for it, that’s how we learned how to juggle in December of 2005. And here’s our Guide to Juggling to help you along—this healthy and fun activity will put a smile on your stupid face.
  5. Cooking: Cook fun recipes from the likes of Jack Monroe’s Vegan (ish) or Tin Can Cook. Or! Try out Yotam Ottolenghi’s cauliflower cake. That  one is a belter. There’s also out patented Pot Noodle sandwich if you’re in a grotesque mood.
  6. Art it up: Whether it’s exquisite corpse or just gawping at Caspar David Friedrich’s work, there’s lots to do. Pencils, paper, and indulge. Go. Do it, now!
  7. Follow cute animals on social media: First off, there’s Alex the Honking Bird. He likes to honk. We Rate Dogs is proper belting, they give ratings to epic beasts. There’s also A Dog Named Stella, who loves hurling herself into mounds of leaves. Zelda the cat is also a wide-eyed wonder on Twitter—or there’s Maru in Japan and his love for cardboard boxes. And there are many hamsters. Many. More on this lot further below!
  8. Podcasts: We recommend the Church of Wittertainment above all the rest. Highly enjoyable film chats from two utter gentlemen.
  9. Read: Yes indeed, you can always resort to this ancient practice. We have an entire Book of da Week section you can scan through for suggestions. Or why not read one of your old favourites. Well!? Nothing is stopping you. Nothing!
  10. Drink tea: Yeah, we’re big supporters of this one. Herbal tea such as mint, ginger, cinnamon, nettle, dandelion—all golden. Mega healthy (go organic brand, yes?) and relaxing, too. Read The Book of Tea for guidance there, human person. Teaism is a way of life, so don’t screw it up now.
  11. YouTube: Seriously, this thing has been a major part of our lives since 2007. Right now, we’re pretty sure we could never live without it. Such is its creative impact. Get on there. Find channels you like (such as the Angry Video Game Nerd) and enjoy!
  12. Drum: It’s very good for your mental health. It’s great exercise. It’s damn good fun. You don’t even need sticks, just have a gander at our drum solos thing for ideas and then air-drum away, eh?
  13. Film commentary watchalongs: The most laughs we’ve had this year are courtesy of Duncan Casey and Richard Jackson of Val Verde Broadcasting. They’re hilarious—they live down in Cambridge. The idea is you watch the film, put it on mute, and listen to their witticisms. And they’re hilarious. The Jaws one is our favourite.

Of course, you can (self-promotion mode) just read our blog as well, eh? It’s free to do so. 2,400+ posts readily available. Yeah?

Oh, of course, keep safe as well. Wash your hands regularly. Don’t sneeze on people. And, for the love of God, stop panic buying bog roll!

Your Isolation Strategy

There’s a good start, look at that cute doggy doing cute doggy stuff!

Anyway. Okay, so if you’re cooped up at home thinking, “I’m bored!” Well, only boring people get bored!

What you need is YouTube, blogging, juggling, tea, video games, cat videos, and whatever else enters your brain.

There’s no way to get bored in this day and age. You hear?

Heck, if you’re feeling down just watch Yoyoka Soma performing wonders on her drum kit.

And, indeed, drumming is properly uplifting. Or exercise in general. We have an exercise bike, but you may not. Whatever, improvise in whatever way you can.

So, what we’re saying to you is to follow the below strategy to keep yourself occupied, happy, and free from alien abduction.

  • Engage in culture, it’s most excellent—escapism is your friend now and always.
  • Learn to juggle.
  • Drink tea.
  • Get creative, in whatever way satisfies you.
  • Play video games.
  • Relax.
  • Focus on the now, rather than the three months from now.

Well, hopefully that lot will help. Remember, Professional Moron is a public service blog. We’re here to help. And we charge £1,000 per minute of advice.

44 comments

  3. All fab suggestions, especially about juggling. I’ve given up learning baton twirling. I kept breaking knick-knacks, light fixtures etc. when performing the double baton toss, which after years of stressful training, I still can’t do.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Dispense with some gibberish!

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