April 9, 2020Mr. Wapojif

Invention: The Frying Pun—Cook Up a Wordplay Storm

Frying pans in a kitchen cooking food
Frying pan : “Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me!” Frying pan : “Oh?” Frying pan : “It was such a nice jester!”

Due to world events, we’ve invented a happy-go-lucky frying pan that tells lovely jokes. Puns, to be exact. Thusly, we have the frying pun.

It’s a smart pan, installed with smart technology. This allows it to ideate in real-time to keep you chortling away during your cooking sessions.

Frying Puns

You know what it’s like when you’re cooking with a frying pan. Standing there, scalding hot flecks of oil and/or food spitting onto you and scarring you for life.

And you stand there, cooking for your family, thinking you should chuck in some laxative to teach them all a bloody good lesson in manners and familial participation.

Then you think, “If only this frying pan could talk to me. It’d be my best friend.”

Well, now it can! Thanks to the frying pun, you’ll never be lonely in the kitchen again. The Frying Pun 1.0 is a cutting-edge slice of paronomasia. This thing is so sharp, it embarrasses Oscar Wilde.

Here are a few examples of the one-liners it’ll hurl your way as you fricassee tofu, fry your stir-fry, and try to avoid third-degree burns:

  • You ain’t got muffin on me!
  • I’m rooting for you!
  • Your cooking is a little cheesy, but still grate.
  • Where’s a waitermelon when you need one!?
  • Don’t forget to spread hap-pea-ness!
  • You want a pizza me?
  • You look sad. Do you want to taco about it?
  • That’s a lot of salt, you butter back off!
  • You should take up carrate.
  • It’s a little chilli in here.
  • Erm, Susan, this chicken isn’t properly cooked. You can’t serve it to your family, they’ll all die horribly. Susan!?

You can pick celebrity voices for your frying pun. Options include the following A-listers:

  • Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  • Damon Hill.
  • Murray Walker.
  • Stephen Fry (obviously, with a surname like that).
  • Kevin Bacon.
  • Halle Berry.
  • Brie Larson.
  • Meat Loaf.
  • Ginger Rogers.
  • Condolezza Rice.
  • Ginger Baker.

You can also choose the standard robotic voice. Should the above annoy you or freak you out.

Ultimately, this product is your cooking buddy. You can quip puns back and it’ll rate them for you. Casually scolding you (as in, spitting searing hot oil onto you) if you do a bad one.

Thusly, your punning abilities will greatly improve over the course of time.

Ensuring you’re a ready wit around the dinner table. And, indeed, any table.

Except perhaps a table, for example, during a game of Russian roulette. Puns won’t help you then. It’s more of a luck thing.

Frying Pun Counselling

The frying pun also doubles up as your state of the art psychiatrist, skilled with psychoanalytic perspectives on your current state of mind.

Don’t forget our Shrink Sink (a kitchen shrink), either. It’s a wonderful invention by us. Definitely the best in the history of all time.

Along with the frying pun, you’ll have a fully automated kitchen to guide you through your daily woes.

With the frying pun, it’s a fully licensed psychiatrist. Kind of like Frasier, but without the on-air radio show. Instead, it’s just in your kitchen.

You and your family members can book sessions with it at £100 ($150) per hour.

Then as you fry up, for example, a Beyond Burger you can discuss your casual descent into mania due to eating only Beyond Burgers.

The frying pun is so artificially intelligent, it’ll then instruct you to purchase something other than Beyond Burgers. Thusly saving your life.

As you can, therefore, see, the frying pun is a lot of fun. Like a really being gun. And a partially drunk nun.

21 comments

  2. This is definitely one of your best inventions, perhaps your best.
    If I choose the Ginger Baker voice, will rim shots accompany the puns?
    How come there’s no Stephen Curry, Sean Bean (I’ve heard the Bits love their beans) or Jon Hamm voices?

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Dispense with some gibberish!

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