Okay, we’re many weeks into a soft lockdown here in England. We did our self-isolation survival kit for you, our comrade readership.
Even though some vocal right-wingers have helpfully pointed out lockdown is communism, we’re advising you all to stay at home. THAT’S AN ORDER!
Now it’s time for some haiku poetry type things. Because we want to express ourselves in pithy sentences. You hear? Good. Keep it quiet!
∞
Loneliness
Loneliness is like a big old bus.
It makes us want to discuss.
Why we’re so superfluous.
∞
Loneliness #2
Loneliness is like a bus.
It makes me want to cuss.
Because I want to ride on a rhinoceros.
∞
Solitude
The thing about solitude.
Is people no longer give you attitude.
So I no longer have to be rude.
∞
Self-Isolation
Just yesterday I needed a business citation.
But I couldn’t get it, because of self-isolation.
Even after I tried some leering flirtation. Bloody feminism.
∞
Panic Buying Bog Roll
This pandemic made me think of my butt.
And I don’t mean in a way that is smut.
I just don’t want to hinder my strut.
∞
Tory Government Incompetence
Boris Johnson said we’d all be fine.
So I went out to a restaurant to dine.
Then I got a really big fine. Socialist bastards!
∞
Clap For The NHS
I think the NHS deserves our support.
So I offer it now some rapport.
And when this is all over I’m moving to Azincourt.
∞
Extrovert Boredom
OMG I’m so bored sitting around inside.
I have really bad cramps in my backside.
To whom do I go and confide!?
∞
Introvert Delight
Thank **** I don’t have to deal with anybody.
Why isn’t it always like this?
It really would be bliss.
∞
Buying Lots of Tinned Goods
I now have so many cans of baked beans.
It makes me want to move to the Philippines.
To sell them along with smutty magazines.
∞
Learning New Skills
During lockdown I have learned many new skills.
Such as deliberately avoiding paying my bills.
And throwing eggs at the postman to get my thrills.
∞
Breaking the Law
Today I went outside for a run.
Then I bought a hot cross bun.
And then asked a police officer if I could steal his gun.
∞
Robbing a Bank During Lockdown
This afternoon I tried to rob a bank.
With my best mate whom I call Frank.
But it was shut because of coronavirus. Then we was arrested.
∞
Jail During Lockdown
Now I am stuck in my solitary cell.
It is like the fifth circle of Hell.
Because I have run out of hair gel.
∞
Acquiring Hair Gel During Coronavirus
Now that I am out on bail.
It is my mission to look like actor Christian Bale.
Although, compared to him, I look more like a whale.
∞
Cross-dressing During Coronavirus
Today I put on my very first dress.
But I was shocked that I looked like a total mess.
Largely because my teeth were full of cress.
∞
The End of Lockdown
One day things will return to normal.
Then I’ll take an interest in the paranormal.
And lecture people like they’re subnormal.
Solitude is … perfect !
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It is indeed!
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Obviously 🙂
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My god. You’re the most talented, prolific poet of this isolation.
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Damn straight! I’m expecting an Oscar for all of this.
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I can see a Professional Moron’s Big Book of Lockdown Haiku coming out of this!
My own lockdown has not produced any haiku. The emergency pile of baked beans collapsed on to the emergency pile of toilet paper which, in turn, collapsed on to me, all on Day 1. I am still trying to dig my way out. Day 29 so far.
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I also have an emergency stash of baked beans. When I got to bed at night, it just provides that extra sense of security.
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You deserve an Oscar for all the inspiration you inspire. (?) I love the exotic flair at PM lately.
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It’s getting “exotic”? Crap bags, I better start ranting about homely Manc things more. The world needs to know about fish & chips etc.
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I love haiku and monks that clean . I smell of bleach these days. Sigh. We do want to read about fish and chips we’re tired of noodles and rice.
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Fish & chips it is. Time to pay tribute to that fine dish!
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I’m getting hungry just imagining that combo. It’s pretty good if you make them soggy enough.
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It’s pretty much a national dish here, even though a lot of Brits are incredibly fussy eaters and despise fish. But it’s fine with fish & chips. Because it’s tradition. Battered fish, chunky chips, and gravy. Tasty! Mega bad for you.
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At Epcot there are restaurants for each (fake) country that one tours. In “England “ there is the
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Oops! There is The Rose and Crown and the fish and chips are exceptional there. So is the Prime Rib of course I wouldn’t touch that… cough!
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There you go then, it’s the British Invasion. First The Beatles, then fish & chips, next it’s Chorley cakes.
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Googling Corley Cakes now.
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Chorley cakes. They’re nice! You’ll have to bake them. None of that in Florida, I bet you.
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Chorley Cakes can be purchased at Tesco Foods. Placing an order now.
https://realfood.tesco.com/search.html?search=Chorley%20cakes
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Yeah Tesco is like your Walmart here. Well! Chorley is like the exact opposite of Florida. But then cakes sure is tasty. Order $100 worth!!
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So, I will really be ordering from the UK? Tesco is not in the US? Pardon my ignorance. at least $100 worth because Christmas is coming up!
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Tesco is a popular UK supermarket, aye. Doubt they’ll deliver to Florida, soz. My suggestion is to BAKE them yourself. But it’s basically a raisin friendly biscuit.
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But it says I can order them . I’m not much of a baker.
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I did some research and turns out Tesco tried to make it in America with the name Fresh & Easy. But that failed dismally and the stores shut. For that Tesco site, that’s in the UK. You may have to go without Chorley cakes. Or order any cooking happy friends to make them for you. They are tasty, but there’s always just normal cake.
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Since the plague hit. I’ve heard bakings become a Stress relief pastime. My freezer is filled with frozen goodies. What’s one more freezer bag, I’m going to pull up the recipe for Chorley Cake and have a go at it. 🍰
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Best of luck in your endeavours!!!
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😊
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