Sweetums, darling, sugar, snuggums, tootsie, honey, skittle, babe, and baby cakes. What are these? No, not an insult to humanity. Pet names!
However, most pet names are pretty old hat. So, we decided to invent some new ones. For free to use them at your leisure.
Relationships & Pet Names
To be clear, we don’t mean pet names here. Say, for your pet cat. It’s fine to call your cat fluffy, cuddles, Gertrude, or Beelzebub.
You can’t call your pet cat anything such as honey bunch, wifey, hot-stuff, or snuggly. That’s just where it gets disturbing.
Good, glad we’ve cleared all that up. Now, on with the delightful romantic pet names!
Spuggums
For pug dog owners. This way you can say this within earshot of your significant other, plus the dog, thusly saving everyone time and energy.
Marmite
You either love or hate Marmite. And you either love or hate your boyfriend or girlfriend. Probably the former, but call him or her this yeast-based product name to make sure.
Smashing Pumpkin
You can kill two turds with one stone here:
- Call your darling other one a pet name.
- Reference a ’90s band you might like.
Dickhead
Not so much a pet name, more an insult. But it works wonders when you’re finding someone annoying. Simply reel this one off and, if necessary, then throw a punch.
Sweat Potato
Slight deviation on sweet potato, but with good intentions only. To indicate your partner is far too sweaty. Inform them they can get an operation for that (botox etc.)
You Utter Goddamn Moron!
If you find your boyfriend particularly exasperating, you might as well turn this common phrase into your official pet name.
Dimple Chin Dunce
Only works if your partner has a dimple chin. And is of the lower intelligence (if they’re smart, get them reading this blog).
Do note, you can’t call anyone without a dimple chin this name. That’s under the jurisdiction of the Dimple Chin Name-Calling Equality Act 2017.
Gorgeous Dumbass
This is if you’re dating someone on the basis of their physical appearance, rather than whether you get on with them or not.
You’re Not Exactly Brad Pitt
Roll this one out regularly to convey your disappointment in your boyfriend’s looks department. Suggest he get plastic surgery to make himself look more like Brad Pitt.
Donut Features
Probably a positive term. Depending on whether the individual does have facial features resembling a donut. If that’s the case, this is a most unfortunate situation.
Poppy Seed Bitch
This one is for guys who have conflicting states of mind between being a “nice guy” and a “badass”.
As such, he can use the pleasant “poppy seed” pet name opener, before dropping in the curse word to clarify he’s not a total softy.
Nettle Patch
Substitute for the more common “petal” or “poppy seed”. This name indicates your partner is unpleasant to the touch, but otherwise has some positive medicinal attributes.
Salt
Replaces the more standard “sugar”. As it’s short, you can, perhaps, combine this one with some of the others above. Feel free to express your creativity. For example:
- Salty nettle patch bitch.
- Salt features.
- Salty dunce.
- Gorgeous salt (very good if you’re referring to the white crystalline substance here).
Snuggle Buffoon
To replace the more standard “snuggle muffin”. Applies sufficiently if your partner is, indeed, a buffoon.
On a different tangent, it doesn’t apply if they’re a buffoon or a bassoon.
And finally…
Halfwit
Works on many levels, this one. Normally it’s an insult, but why can’t it function as a pet name and insult hybrid? Indeed.
Gotta love Marmite. As a pet name too!
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And food, of course!
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Marmite, marmite….when will it end? Have you ever stepped in a nettle patch, I can tell you from experience that’s definitely something you want to call your “ex”.
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I fell into a nettle patch once, circa 1996 I think it was. Then my arm went all weird. I now drink nettle tea. It’s nice.
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I went for a stroll through my back yard last year in my socks and stepped in a nettle patch, so the memory is fresher in my mind.. The horror can’t be described and lasted for two days. Pass the nettle tea please.
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Proof, if it were ever needed, that you require moon boots for every conceivable activity.
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I have my Boogapony Boots thanks to Resa but I save those for our concerts as we tour around the world like a bunch of hippies.
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Well, I Googled boogapony and the first thing that came up is Resa’s site. Now I want a pair, dammit.
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It’s a girl thing, you see we travel around the country-s in a VW van with flowers painted on the side in our 70’s clothes that still smell of pot…pourri. You might be able to hitch a ride as our mascot… Resa is in charge of the crew. 🙂
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Potpourri is some mighty fine dining!
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Sure is! I like to mix it with brownies.
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Maybe we could add a carnival act. I’m thinking “Dodge the Flamethrower”. ‘Oron runs back and forth on a platform that is raised over a pool of some oily substance. For $50.00, the person gets 3 shots with a flamethrower. When he’s aflame, he jumps into said substance pool.
If you get him to jump into the pool, the prize is a special Boogapony dance that features our pristine Gogo boots.
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I’m already in line. Let’s fill the pool with line jello.
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lime jello is good. How about some castor oil in with that? The vitamin D will help heal the burns.
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I like lime. Lime is good. Us English are called Limeys by Americans and Aussies, don’t you know?
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Well’ we’re going to Need ‘Oron in the next episode of PBH adventures in Paris, can’t have him running for the loo all wrapped in gauze . Just sayin.
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Sure, that’s $40 per word. I’m in, fire across creative ideas. As a geezer, I’m a bit slower than you two. But I make up for it due to salt overdosing involving longtime Marmite abuse.
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Marmite again, I wondered what was hyping you up!
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I did not bring Marmite up, Resa did. If North America actually allowed the stuff this wouldn’t be a problem!
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How about Vegamite, we have that!
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Truth. Aussies like that. And… duh, DUH, duh… GONNA take a lot to drag me away from youuuuuuu. There’s nothing that a 100 sheds or more could ever doooooo. I bless the rains down in Africaaaaaa!
Yes, I am still listening to that. It’s a phase. It will probably end.
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I love I love the sheds down in Africa, I like to listen to it with a vegemite sandwich.
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Definitely a good idea. I had a sandwich earlier. My Toto phase really isn’t going away at the mo. I keep adding to Africa’s 567 million views on YouTube.
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Africa” never gets old…a catchy little tune!
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Indeed, I agree, I BLESS THE RAINS DOWN I… oh, see, spontaneous outbursts of song there.
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We just can’t help it…Not a hundred men or more….I don’t know all the words, rats.
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There are certain songs that stick with me. At least that one is good. That Titanic song, meanwhile…
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Nope, not a winner. That’s a shame, and them on the bough.
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You don’t like Titanic, or the song just doesn’t cut it? I mean, I saw Titanic twice at the cinema in 1998. I didn’t much care for the song then, either.
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I wasn’t really thrilled with Titanic. It made me very anxious.
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Yes…. I’ll think of something. If not the next, which is the last episode of the Paris Adventure, the next tale.
I LOVE the image of him wrapped in gauze running to the loo! I wonder if I can draw that?
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Gauze? Loo? Cripes! It’s getting very English here!
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I thought Holly was onto something very UK with that whole loo thing!
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If you need English advice, I’ll provide a guide. Just start saying, “Golly gosh!” You’re halfway there. And… hold the line! Duh duh duh, LOVE ISN’T ALWAYS ON TIME! WHoa, whoa, whoa…. It wasn’t the way (etc.)…
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Hmmm… I think that’s a song by Toto!!!!
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We need him to sign a nondisclosure!
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Crap on a crust, woman, I was writing about non-disclosures hours ago! Let’s sue each other and have done with it!
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I’ll call my people and you call yours. I am very litigious, had years of experience, beware! Have your papers in order.
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The last time I had papers in order the customs guy at Philadelphia sure as hell wasn’t happy.
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You’re pretty lucky you aren’t in Philly right now, numbers are pretty bad.
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The England be not much better, lady. And we don’t have bazookas to deal with it.
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Lol’ someone was just asking me about the armed revolutionaries in the street here wanting to open things up!!
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Throw a punch at them. Problem solved.
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I think I’ll pass on that, they have guns!
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Well tell them to put the safety triggers on.
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We are all armed here, everyone knows that. It’s the Wild Wild West. Sade.
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Well in Manchester it’s more of a bare knuckle brawl arena. You live by your wits here, because your surrounded by gits (bah dum tish).
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Most of the trouble is started by the 33 million Irish Americans… you don’t want to mess with them.
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Yeah, but Ireland is that bit off to the left of England. Obviously, we’re the best bit. *ahem*
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Ahem…..
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What, you want a fight or what?!
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Fisticuffs at ten … you have a half our to work out and get Picadilly. Be there or Bok 🐔
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Yeah, that’s fine. I would normally respond to this, but I have to send a lockdown email to you. Regards.
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It’s always nice to get a post in this time of isolation.
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You want a fight, lady?! Manchester city centre, 10 minutes, even though I just typed otherwise!
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I’m getting dressed…right now I’m hanging upside down over at Resa’s.
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Erm… do I just hurl insults at you?
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Of course!
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good, it’s settled.
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What is “jello”? Bulldog in Frasier, I remember his line from Ham Radio. And decades later I don’t know what jello is. For shame.
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Are you living in a cave deep
I’m the amazon? Jello! 🍯ok lets go with Jam. Marmalade even.
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I think you were supposed to type that poem on your blog, madam.
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A cave man eating marmalade in the deep Amazon, he just needs some bread and a shed with a bed.
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Whatever. I sent you an email. That’ll do for my response here. I can’t take control of everything.
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Loss of control…perfect for PBH.
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PBH? Perpetually burned hippies? Okay, fair enough.
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The models don’t get burned….think about it.
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Burned by better looking models? I’m okay, I bridge the gap between “pretty decent looking” and “he’s English”.
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The consensus following much research is that the British accent is the sexiest, our hard earned dollars at work.
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Look, lady, you’ve seen Titanic. Yes? British Empire. Billy Zane – American actor with a wig and fake British accent. Yep! I’d date him.
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Billy looked good in Dead Calm but that was a longtime ago. Kidman looked like a long legged gazelle with all that red hair too. I’d date her if she would pick up the tab.
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Billy looked good in Titanic. But then Kidman wasn’t in that. I’d date the ship. Because, Southampton.
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I wouldn’t want to be on the Titantic with Billy or Kidman. Actually, I wouldn’t go out with Kidman even if she paid, I prefer Billy.
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Is that because Titanic was English? You Americans with your jealousy. We had an Empire first, you know!?
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We know…hehe.
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How cool is that!!!???
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Too cool for school, madam!
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If you were my guy, I’d call you my sweet little Halfwit Tit!
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I can live with that. If you were my non-geezer (as in woman) I’d call you Resa. As that appears to be your name.
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Well, I’m not calling you Mr. Wapojif!
What if we married? Resa Wapojif? I don’t think so!
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Well I can’t take your surname, can I, what would Matthew say!? THINK logically, please. Sometimes covert activities are required.
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Matthew? Ew! He’s too sweet!!!
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I need to know more about Matthew.
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Well… he’s a good actor. He’s too cute! I like the kind of looks like… Daniel Craig, Sean Connery.. a bit more rugged.
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Have you seen Sean Connery in Zardoz, though? That wasn’t the best look.
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Hahaha! I just checked it out. The costume is …well… it is.
Still, he was looking real nice in 1974!
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I mean, it doesn’t matter how good looking you are. You’ll look like crap in that. Fair play to him for giving it a go. For whatever reason. Scottish way of things, eh?
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Eh! I mean… they invented Haggis!!!!!!
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You’re a vegetarian. Avoid.
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Daniel Craig…oh yeah!
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He’s called James Bond, not Craig Daniel.
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Bond, James Bond.
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I like Daniel Craig, he’s grounded. He took the piss out of the Kardashians, which was cool.
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I missed that but I’m all for it.
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Well, not so much taking the piss. He made a very grounded and intelligent comment about the nature of their self-adoration. Which I liked. As I appreciate humility. Because I am the best human being in the world.
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You’re so modest, it’s very touching. I did see where Chloe donated a million dollars to help out with the needy due to the virus. that was good. I don’t watch them I’m jealous of their hair.
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Well that’s good, but it’s like here with Tory voters claiming they’ve donated to charity. And then they vote Tory. Who’ve demolished the nation over the last decade – donations are pointless if you support a deleterious government. And as I mansplain, madam, I’m sending you an email.
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I’m going to need one.
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wot m8?
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Vegamite sandwich.
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OMG!!! Le Pant! Le Swoon! Le Kiss!
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Le yes……those eyes 👀
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Are we on about Daniel Craig here? I can recommend guys I think are better looking.
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I’m all eyes.
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Les yeux! OUI!!!
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Les yeux l’ont !
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Merde.
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Piccadilly? I don’t really speak French.
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I was just in Piccadilly Gardens. You don’t need to speak French. You just need a bazooka. “Spare any channnegggeee?!” Omg alert. Those working class scumbags!
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I didn’t see you there. Waited five minutes.
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Yeah, right now I seriously recommend avoiding Manchester city centre. You’ll be okay in Florida.
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OH, I don’t know, south Florida is not to good right now. A wing and a prayer! 🙂
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WHOOAC! Livin’… og, hang on. Yeah, his gig at Old Trafford here went bad.
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Le brrrrrrr!!!!
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Le da la “WTF” de merde.
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Okay, there’s no reason to swear.
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😏
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❦ 😉❦
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😎
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Almost ready to post my …. poem to you! LOL. I’m not as good as you. Nonetheless, I will be brave and post it!!
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Omg, I’m totally excited! ❤️
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https://graffitiluxandmurals.com/2020/05/02/hollys-upside-down-garden/ I so hope you like it!
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I had to clear that. Is it as exciting as Resa’s tights? I mean you do need to do a post about them, woman!
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Sigh!! So, the tights are tight. What else could I write? LOLOLOL!
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The tights pictures are fine, madam. You can write, “Okay, the tights are a hit. Mr. Wapojif clearly likes them. I’ll keep wearing the tights. Also, shooo wop, be doobdy dooby doo wop!” etc. But the final bit is up to you.
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Ahhhhh, upside down you’re turning me 🙃, thankfully I wore knickers that day. I do love this! ❤
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Can we just resort to beating each other up? I am happy to support that;. Ta! Proper belting.
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That’s fine, proper belting indeed. I will go first.
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Under UK law I must remind you to tone this down. Please forward proceeds to PM!
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You’ve been raking in proceeds for years now, your are the Manchester Mafia.
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Marlon Brando. He’s American. He’s yours. That’s that.
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I don’t want Marlon Brando. that’s that.
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Faire du ski, madam. There’s always Jeff Goldblum.
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oui je peux skier! Jeff Goldblum is perfect.
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Imagine if his name was Goldbum. lol
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Then it would be off, I have criteria.
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A gold bum. Think of the profit!
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Hmmm, let me think on this.
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Fisticuffs? Should solve it.
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9 pm, Piccadilly, bring bandages.
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I don’t have bandages, I’ll bring a shed I find instead. There’ll be bits of one nearby.
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A shed? Are you going need a place to hide? I will be gentle.
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Manchester has a fancy canal system. I hide in that.
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I hope you will bring scuba gear then. Flippers at the very least.
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Nah, mate, just a bobble hat and some Kendal mint cake.
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Bravery is Braveheart, madam. Mel Gibson in that film! I may not be Scottish, but an Australian pretending to be Scottish makes me think my mindless nationalism is probably misguided.
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That was a good film!
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It was/is a good film. It’s also fun watching an Australian tying to do a Scottish accent.
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Francois Cevert, madam. I keep meaning to do a post on him. He’s le swoon. As a straight geezer, there are rules to break. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EPIuwC5eYE
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DC is sexier!!!
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DC I have always had a thing for, he’s very smart and funny. And a great beard right now. Excellent choice! Your Jacques Villeneuve does well, too. Le French de la Canadian.
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Stick with DC!!!
Have you posted on him!
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Yeah a few times, when I started watching F1 he was one of the top geezers. Now he’s just a geezer. But everyone loves him, because he’s great. So, yes, I’ll do a post on him.
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YAYAYAY!!
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Gilles Villeneuve was a beauty, too. Been a big fan of his for a long time.
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Yeah, me too!
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Marmite is not a good name in Canada. It will never catch on, due to banishment!
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Well, you welcomed our Royals with open arms. And they must have stunk a great deal of Marmite. We all do.
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Funny thing, they got here in time to isolate, and disappear!
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Yes… almost… almost like they INTENDED that to happen… *X-Files music*
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Ya know!!!???
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Their living in California….she ‘ s gonna be a star 🙂
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I am a star. A beacon of moronic light.
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You are! You really are!!
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Innit.
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