Self-Isolation: Haiku Poetic Lockdown Special #2

Stay at home - a cartoon man watching westerns on his TV-min
Well, he looks stressed.

After the rousing success of our self-isolation haiku lockdown special last week, we’ve decided to plagiarise ourselves by doing another batch.

This is all part of our ongoing self-isolation survival kit, which we should imagine you’ve printed off and now recite to yourself daily.

Anyway, let’s not waste anymore time. You’re busy. We’re busy. Aliens are busy. Here are some haiku!

Celebrities During Lockdown

When I need some moral support. 

I think about taking celebrities to court. 

To give them much needed food for thought. 

Celebrities During Lockdown #2

What the hell is TV show host Ellen on about?

I do not care, because I have gout.

And now I am going to go and pout.

Coronavirus Cooking

Baking has become my new pastime.

Which is a shame, as I have run out of lime. 

So I have had to resort to using grime.

Dealing With Hyperactive Children

Just how crazy are my kids?

I have had to tell some outrageous fibs.

About why I am only serving them spare ribs. 

Annoying Boyfriend

I have had to lock my boyfriend in his man cave.

Which is funny, because there is a nasty heatwave.

Maybe now he will learn the importance of using a bog brush.

Dinner For One

As I cook alone for myself at night.

I sometimes think I should go outside and have a fight.

And then become a member of the far-right.

Gaining Weight During Coronavirus

All I do is sit about all day eating chips.

And now I’ve got really gross looking hips. 

Has anyone got any weight loss tips?

Weight Loss During COVID-19

Yesterday I went out for a run.

Then I ate a hot cross bun. 

And shot my foot with a gun (for weight loss purposes). 

Dealing With Anxiety

OMG, why am I so anxious?

It is not like I am treasonous.

I am just trying to catch a bus. 

Moping About the Place

I really have nothing to do. 

Except take the occasional poo.

And then go and make a stew. 

The Lockdown Song

Agadoo doo doo, push pineapple shake a tree.

To the left (but maintain six metres of social distancing), to the right (again, maintain six metres of social distancing).

Wash my hands with warm soapy water for at least 20 seconds, uh huh, yeah.

Government Announcements

Oh here we go again, it’s that gobshite.

I really should engage him in a fight.

But then I’d have to get a flight (due to exile). 

Wear & Tear On Your Pants

I am very nervous due to world events. 

And because the elastic went on my pants.

They cost me 50 cents!

Stubbing Your Toe at Home

**** I went and did it again. 

I am as bloody useless as Big Ben. 

They really should keep me in a playpen. 

Sourcing Crack Cocaine During Coronavirus

Man, it is really difficult to fuel my habit.

I am like an out of control rabbit. 

Maybe I should jack it all in and become an abbott.

Drinking Corona Beer During Coronavirus

I like to drink a lot of beer.

Except Corona.

I am not stupid, I just don’t like the insinuation if provides.


  1. Although entertaining, I’m not sure if these qualify as actual Haiku.
    However, you do make the odd important point, such as toe stubbing. No, I didn’t stub my toe, but I got glass in it, for 4 days of pain. Not bad, eh?

    Liked by 1 person

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