Agony Aunt: “My boyfriend keeps saying ‘Oi oi!’ and he can’t stop!”

A man dressed like a geezer
“Oi oi!”

Everyone loves a cheeky chappy. A geezer. One of the lads. A lovable rogue. The sort of “character” who laments snowflakes and how PC the world is.

And a lot of these unique individuals express how much character they have by quipping, “Oi oi!” However, it appears today’s practitioner of it is stuck.

Oi

Hello. How are you? I hope you're okay? I'm okay as well. 

Enough small talk! I've got to chat about my latest boyfriend (my fifth so far this year). Derek. He's a bit of a cad, I suppose, but I like that in men, me. 

He's a character. I don't like boring bastards! You know, the posh ones who read and don't go out getting pissed. What's the point in that? You're wasting your life!

Anyway, things were going right good, but then I noticed he started saying his "oi oi" catchphrase too much. That's what he said to me when he hit on me in the pub. I was swaying a bit after five lagers and a shot of sambuca and he walks up to get a pint and sees me, winks, and he goes, "Oi oi, darlin'!"

So I was worse for wear and vomited on the floor, but as it turns out he thought that proved I'm "all woman" and we were [Editor: We had to edit this section for censoring purposes—this is a family blog] copulating in the toilets before end of evening. 

Anyway, since then it's been the odd "oi oi" here and there. But then over the last two weeks... it's lack he's an old broken record. 

I started keeping count, and his use of "oi oi" went from about 12 times a day to at least 350 times a day. And it might be more, because I can't keep track of how much he says it at work, on the toilet, or when I'm asleep. 

This is shitting me up, it really is. A conversation with him is like, "Oi oi, darlin', oi oi! Oi oi! We going to the pub? Oi oi! Oi oi! Let's go to the pub, oi oi! Before we go I just need an oi oi!"

On and on it goes. I rang his mother, Doreen, and asked her about it. And she accused me of being a "son of a whore" and no good for her "baby boy". Well, I told her to shove it up her arse and now we're not on speaking terms. 

That's upset Derek and sent his "oi oi" into overdrive and it's basically all he now says. WTF? 

The guys down the pub are usually too pissed to know the difference and, frankly, most of that lot say "oi oi" in most of their passing conversation anyway. 

So it's like I'm stuck in this world where 90% of the people I meet only say "oi oi"! What's happening!? Am I losing my mind?

Cheers, Caroline

Oi oi, Caroline! We jest. Don’t take it personally. But, well, you’re clearly surrounded by geezers. And this is what happens in that situation.

It’s possible Derek is having a nervous breakdown. Or his overuse of “oi oi” has reached the point where it’s overwhelming his intellectual capacity.

By which we mean, if you repeat a word over and over, it results in semantic satiation. We don’t know what that means. But it just makes us sound clever.

Expanding His Vocabulary

It’s possible Derek needs to expand his knowledge of the English language. Perhaps buy him word a day toilet paper—this could snap him out of his current reverie.

However, if it’s a situation where he’s a lifelong tabloid reader then the situation may be more serious.

A lifetime of reading The Sun, for example, is enough to render any individual into a gibbering halfwit.

Perhaps wean him onto novels, such as 50 Shades of Grey and Where’s Wally? That’ll help to understand there’s a world beyond British slang.

However, as you’re already on your fifth boyfriend this year, why not just find another one? It looks like this one could be broken.

So, abandon him and hitch up with a different geezer. Perhaps one who goes for “Get your coat, love, you’ve pulled!” That’s much more charming.

2 comments

  1. Sounds like he’s a few inches short of a Chatty Cathy’s cord.
    She may have been a doll, but her vocab surpassed his.
    I’m with Wapo here, or perhaps a Chatty Cathy doll is more up your alley.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I had to Google what that is, but it’s like one of those Barbie dolls that talks, eh? As a manly man bloke, when I was younger I had dinosaur toys that made roar sounds. That and pogs. And conkers. None of which will help with this geezer.

      Like

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