Agony Aunt: “HELP! My boyfriend wants to rob a bank!”

A batch of US dollar notes
The moolah.

Some men are so macho it’s impossible to look at them without quivering in fear and respect. Such as men who spit. And football hooligans.

Others take things a step further and want to acquire goods not belonging to them. “Theft perpetrators” as we call them. Such as today’s human male.

About Machismo & Bank Robbing

Dave, my boyfriend of three years, woke up the other day and said he'd had an amazing dream (it must have been, he wet the bed... again). [Editor: Also, see our guide to bed wetting!]

In the dream he robbed a bank, got away with it, and "took off with a cool £30 million!" I didn't think anything else of that until the next day. He wet the bed again. And this time his second bank heist resulted in, "A cool £300 million, babe!"

As he got up from bed, be began a massive coughing fit and cleared his nose noisily by jamming one finger on one nostril and forcefully blowing his other nostril. So there was this big line of bogey hanging from his nose as he stood there. 

"Babe!" He says, bogey swaying back and forth, "I'm gonna do this! I'm gonna get us filthy rich, babe!" 

So (and I don't know what happened to the bogey), but a month later he tried robbing a local supermarket to "get the experience". Anyway, that resulted in him being hospitalised after he was run over fleeing the scene. 

Undeterred, four months later he tried robbing the SAME supermarket. And he was hospitalised again—run over when fleeing the scene. 

Declearing himself "ready" for a major bank in London, he waltzed into that wearing a vest and skinny jeans and one of those coloured water pistols. 

He went directly to a security guard and yelled, "Oi, fuck face! Give me all your money! NOW!" 

Anyway, he had to flee the scene and was run over while doing so. And now he's in jail. 

Last week I went to visit him and he said, "Babe, when I'm out of here I'm hitting 55 Wall Street in New York to score it big!"

And his plan is to go in with a nuclear bomb and demand $35 billion. I suggested that was excessive and a bit greedy. And he was all, "Babe! Do you want that boob job and face lift, or what!? It ain't cheap these days, and I need the liposuction for me beer gut!" I forgot to mention, he's heavily overweight. So not exactly good at getting away from crime scenes rapidly.

I've told him all this is a bad idea but he's insistent. What do I do? Thanks, Mary

Hi, Mary. Well, there are certainly more sanitary approaches to acquire riches than this (such as arms dealing or black market drug trading).

But you can’t (and shouldn’t) interfere with a man and his dreams. You’re in danger of becoming the “nagging wife” here. Is that what you want? Well!?

And then you come on here posting his nefarious plans for the world to see! You must question such a level of vacuity earnestly. You’re not helping.

How to Rob a Bank

First, ensure your boyfriend has listened to the above track from The Clash. It provides essential insights into the bank robbing lifestyle.

Next, he should play Grand Theft Auto V or Red Dead Redemption II to gain digital insights into bank robbing.

After that, he’s set for the big one in New York! He’ll probably end up dead undertaking such an insane mission, but if he follows the below tips he may just end up on death row instead:

  • Be polite: Americans are a polite people. Thank that at all times, even if they’ve just tasered you to the floor and are now stomping on your head.
  • Backup: Really, he needs more than one person to help him here, Mary. We suggest you join him as an accomplice. You can wield a spud gun and nag him whilst he does the important stuff (i.e. looting).
  • Don’t get shot: It hurts and can result in death.

That’s it, really, please confirm at a later date how the above all went. All the best, Mary!

20 comments

  1. Dear Aunt Ag, ( you don’t mind my endearing pet name do you?) Excellent advice, this young lady is becoming an all out nag . She could help by knitting a mask and driving the getaway car . Stand by your man, this is the 21st century.

    Liked by 1 person

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